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Published July 08, 2012

 

Alright, goddammit. I have to shake a quick rant off my chest about this Google+ bullshit again. I'm not really mad at the site exactly as much as I am at its faithful users that all shove the same "you're doing it wrong" phrases and "you have to treat it like a party or a new bar" analogies in the faces of average Joe Facebook user like they all read it from the same handbook to become a camp counselor at the summer retreat for every kid you used to beat up in high school. I almost wrote this last night after a quick debate with yet another one of its hopeless faithfuls, but then I figured, "No. I'm gonna finally give it a test drive the way these fuckin dorks say I should before I slam it again." You know, like the old blind man and the elephant tale (three blind men all feel different parts of the same elephant, but only one part each and when they discuss it later, they're all in disagreement over what they experienced. Blah blah blah.). I figured I'd dip a finger in the same part of the elephant as these nerds defending it. Who also, by the way, are the kind of people that you would NEVER invite to a party, let alone let finger your elephant, so I'm kinda lost to where they all find the nerve to use the same party analogy. I don't use quantum physics analogies about the shit I like. I don't know anything about the shit. You smell what I'm steppin in here? Of course you do. Nerdy faggots. That's what I'm steppin here. Aahh, but I digress. I'm not gonna go so far as to say that G+ is a dying platform. No, I wouldn't say that at all. It sure as fuck doesn't seem to be a growing one though. I gave it a seriously fair shot after it was first released to the public almost a year ago. I did and fuck you if you say I didn't. I imported over 1,000 personal contacts, I posted regularly, I interacted with complete strangers on various topics, I even posted links to it on my Facebook page in an attempt to trickle in some kind of a familiar crowd, and guess fuckin what....nobody showed up. Nobody. Not a soul. And all the Faggle Plussers said "Well, you just gotta give it time. Watch. By xxx date, it's going to take over 'Failbook'." (Clever, by the way. Dummies.) Well, xxx date came and went and all the Fagglers changed their tune to "Well, it's more of an interest site for now. You should follow things that interest you like on Twitter." Well, uhh, that's what I have Twitter for and I don't even use that unless I'm quickly scrolling through witty one-liners from comedians when I'm on the throne droppin a grumpy. Anyway, it's been almost a year now and I have yet to see any significant change with the site other than design layout and some minor new features. Nothing really to draw in a crowd and it's still the same handful of strangers posting about dorky tech shit and cute fucking kitty pictures. The opposing side of my debate last night used the old played-out analogy that we need to see it as going to new bar, looking around, not seeing anyone we know, and leaving because of it. The same analogy that I'm sure any of you that have also resisted crossing over have heard countless times since the nerds of the world found this medium for creating a support group for the friendless and pasty. Anyone that knows me knows that I wouldn't do that at new bar. I can make the most of pretty much any dull situation and I don't see that scenario being very fitting in the slightest. I see it more as going to a new bar, not seeing anyone I know, trying to fit in, and finding that everyone there is playing Magic The Gathering instead of pool or darts or something cool and discussing the unimaginative sexual acts they would perform on various cast members of Deep Space Nine while some dipshit in the corner plays shitty Nickelback covers on a out-of-tune acoustic. That's why we're leaving. "Well, pfft...now I'm just going to talk down to you in a condescending tone because I'm still bitter about not having any friends in high school and you're knocking the only outlet for social interaction that I have as an adult." Ok. I may have paraphrased that last one, but you fuckin get it. So, before I started to write this last night, I stopped myself and tried to feel up the rest of this elephant. I searched my interests beginning with musicians I appreciate, but I only found painfully dorky conversations about the acts I dig and unfortunately, I don't dig the desperately naughty rhymes of pseudo-evil clowns, I've never written "Metallica" in white-out on my Jansport, and I don't make-out with too many dudes in my apartment so Daft Punk doesn't get a whole lot of play around these parts. Ok, so much for that angle. So I move onto movies. I'm a pretty huge film buff so I search some of my favorite directors. Nothing. So I search my favorite movie of all time: Requiem For A Dream. There's gotta be something there, right? Yeah, family photos of Jared fucking Leto. I don't even give a shit about my own friends' family pics, I sure as shit don't give two fucks about this dingleberry's. Hmmm. So I tried just diving into ongoing conversations that I saw around the site. That worked, but quickly bored me due to the nerdy perspectives being served back on the topics at hand. Ho fuckin hum. I also found that even the average Faggle+ superusers never really ever had any threads that exceeded 20 comments. I wouldn't say the site is necessarily failing, bit it certainly isn't excelling in any way. It's definitely found its niche with tech geeks, social media gurus, some photographers, and the occasional Joe Anybody that uses it like Facebook, but I don't see anything at all that would lead me to believe that it can draw in the masses in numbers anywhere near what it would take to overthrow the almost 1 billion active users on Facebook anytime soon, as was frequently discussed upon its release last year. But still, Google is adamant on reminding us of the fact that it's newest endeavor into the social market is the fastest growing social medium in history, which technically, is true, but are these numbers honest? That's up for debate. I've had countless friends tell me that they had a G+ account and didn't even know it. So if it's the fastest growing social network out there, then why isn't anybody on it? Well, it's because since its release, anybody who has signed up for ANY type of Google account whether it be Gmail, Blogger, a YouTube channel, etc., Google has taken it upon themselves to go ahead and set you up with a G+ profile and if you aren't paying attention, you probably won't even know it until you get an email notification one day that says one of your email contacts has added you to a circle in a website you've never heard of. Oh, but wait...the shit gets better. Now, for those of you with Android devices that are eligible for the software upgrade to ICS, you are now FORCED to have the G+ app without even the option to uninstall it from your device. Pretty neat, huh? Pretty neat how they are the fastest growing out there by forcing you to have an account. Now, you may be upset with The Zuck for changing your FB to the Timeline feed or the countless ads tucked away in the margin of your screen, but at least you're on the site by your own volition. Nobody fuckin forced you to be there. Google calling their social site the fastest growing out there is like calling Auschwitz the fastest growing summer camp in all the world. Sure, you're on there, but you never asked to be. I'd also like to point out that both Pinterest AND Instagram have emerged since the release of Faggle+ and I see way more activity from my friends on those two sites than G+ and I'm not even on them. Like Google finding it's niche with the dorks of the world, it seems that Instagram may have found theirs as well with the narcissistic whores and obnoxious douche-bags, but let's be real. Those of us that have been out there in the world away from our computers have a hell of a lot more friends in those groups than we do lonely hermits who spend their days playing WOW in their mom's fuckin basement while blogging about how stupid those of us who get laid and have actually been to parties are for not knowing that "WOOT" is a term originated by pasty-assed faggots that wear wizard hats on weekends for their Dungeons and Dragon play-dates. I'm getting off topic again. It just seems like a really desperate move to me on Google's part and yet another one to add to my ever-growing list of reasons to dislike the site. So yeah, that's a big FUCK YOU to that and I know a whole LARPing field full of nerdy recluses are gonna read this shit in between writing Battlestar Galactaca fan fiction and jacking off to Jerry Ryan internet memes and they're gonna have some not-really-witty retort or condescending two-cent bullshit to throw in defense of the only thing to ever show them acceptance on any type of a social medium and to them I say this: You're gay, faggot. You always have been. You didn't get wedgies in school for nothing. The only reason you hate Facebook is because you really don't have too many real-life friends and your page is imploding with a sadness as heavy as a forgotten dying sun. I mean, Kudos to you for finding something to run with where you have finally found a group of folks to relate to your odd fascination  with Japanese cartoons and Star Wars jokes. That's awesome. Good for you, but save your bullshit defense of your precious Faggle+ (Adam-coined phrase. Patent pending.) for the minuscule million of you or so that actually give a shit about it. The nearly billion of us that DON'T give a shit about what Chris Hardwick had for dinner don't want any part of your gay little reindeer games, Heir Himmler.  

As Forbes Magazine put it, "At worst, it's a complete ghost town. At best, it's a site full of boring strangers." I agree with that to a certain extent. I, too, used to use the term "ghost town" to describe the site. After using it more, I now see that it's more like the town of Nilbog from the movie "Troll 2." It's pretty populated and, at first glance, it seems normal enough, but something just doesn't feel right and then at the end, you realize that it's because you're the only human there and everyone else is actually a repulsive goblin (SPOILER ALERT!: Nilbog is "goblin" spelled backward! O.M.Goodness, right?!). 

That's my few cents on the topic so there you have it, nerds (and please don't correct me with the breakdown of the different definitions of nerds, dorks, dweebs, geeks, and losers the way that homosexuals breakdown homo, queer, and faggot. Let's be real again. That may fly in your circles, but your all just lame dweeby faggots to the rest of us. It hurts. I know. The world's a cruel place, but I'm just the messenger, baby. Hate me for my views on your Faggle+, but don't place blame on me for Earth's view on your mom raising a virgin.). The buffet is open. Let's hear it. Come. Sway the opinions of the population's majority. I admit that it is possible that I may eat these words someday, but as for right now, NOBODY really seems to dig that shit. Well, I mean, at least nobody with real life human friends anyway.  So suck my dick, you lame dweeby faggots!

 

Thank you.

That is all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~YeeahhBuddie De La Grasa Salchicha

 

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