(As written by Jason Domico, current high school senior at Palma High, who is super stoked to embark on this next step of his life’s journey.)
1. Not everyone is best buds with their freshman year roommate, but then again… You aren’t everyone.
You are Jason Thomas freaking Domico and you could befriend a kitchen sponge, you’re so goddamn likeable. Not to mention, hilarious! Do remember how you cracked up your AP Lit teacher with your Hester Prynne impression? Note to self: remember to work that impression into your first convo with the roomie so he can snag a preview of the raucous year to come! Plus, you really poured your heart and soul into that roommate survey. Those 55 minutes you spent deliberating on what to put down under “Music Preference” will definitely pay off. “Sounds of Israel” by Various Selected Artists is sure to land you the chilliest and most worldly brah with whom to cohabitate. Man, college is gonna be schweeeet!
2. The freshman fifteen is real, but who cares if you put on an extra pound or two….Of pure throbbing muscle.
Because you are gonna get ripped, Jason “The Rock” Domico, totally freaking jacked. Yeah sure, in high school you never went to the gym or did a sport you had to try out for, but this is college and you’re gonna start taking your fitness seriously. I mean it. You already Google Expressed 3 tubs of protein powder and cut all the sleeves off your t-shirts; there’s just no going back.
3. Unprecedented amounts of incredible sex with hot STI free randos is awesome, but in between bang seshes you’ll also be on the lookout for the perfect girl to bring home this Thanksgiving to meet the folks.
Unbeknownst to those around you, these past 18 years of unrelenting celibacy have only heightened your potency and raw sexual appeal—allowing you to mature like a fine wine, ready to be sipped by the parched young female scholars of this university. But frequent safe sex with strangers won’t stop you from finding THE ONE. So while you’re playing the field like it’s your 10th grade drum solo i.e. HARD, you’ll also be pursuing Emma from your poetry class. Because, in addition, to having a killer butt (highlighted by the yoga pants she wore last week), her comments in section about Gwendolyn Brooks’ use of colloquialism suggest that she could definitely share your values and rear your children.
4. Work hard at playing hard. You’re gonna rage face for 4 uncontrollable years.
Yes,your drinking experience has thus far been limited to sips of wine at family dinners, but you can definitely bank on your quarter Irish heritage to pull you through the deepest pit of the alcoholic consumption learning curve. Plus, you’ve been practicing your BP shots with cups of water alone in your bedroom at the dead of night with only the dim light emitted from a Youtube tutorial video to guide you, so everyone will be under the impression that you’ve been balling for years!
5. But most importantly, you’re going to meet the best friends who will carry you through the ups and downs of life, and who are, incidentally, way cooler and better looking than your current best friends.
Chet and Dave are great for high school buds, but let’s face it: you need amigos who will trip balls with you at Joshua Tree next spring break and who can take a bong rip without first asking if anyone has “a throat lozenge.” You need friends that have friends that sell coke, because otherwise you will probably never do coke. You’ve got a narc-like gait, and even college won’t change that.So say sayonara to Wii Bowling Tournies in Chet’s basement, and say hello to smoking fat, fat doobies with your bros for lyfeee!