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July 05, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A partial recount has been ordered in Mexico's presidential elections. Finally, a country that partially respects Mexican voters as much as we do.

Yassir Arafat's widow is asking that his body be exhumed to see if he was poisoned with a radioactive substance. "Oh no, she going to find out about us," said Closet Hulk.

The FDA has approved an at-home HIV test. The easy-to-read indicator will show a minus sign for negative and a "hey at least this isn't a pregnancy test" sign for positive.

In Ohio, a group aiming to get an amendment stating life begins at fertilization collected only 30,000 signatures of the 385,000 needed for a vote. Surprising many who didn't know Ohio had 30,000 men.

MGM is suing to stop production of a sequel to "Raging Bull." "[It's] plainly calculated to create confusion in the marketplace and to trade off the value of the [original],” said the makers of "Pink Panther 2," starring Steve Martin.

Scientists announced they may have officially found the Higgs boson, or "God particle," not just evidence of it. So everyone needs to start calling it the "Better than God particle."

Joey Chestnut won his sixth Coney Island hot dog eating competition, eating 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Not bad since behind him the whole time was a friend who just graduated college and kept asking, "You going to eat that?"

Singer Frank Ocean announced he had a homosexual relationship on Tumblr. Though it would've been more popular had it been a GIF of his homosexual relationship.

Mitt Romney said the Affordable Care Act is a tax, despite contradicting reports from advisers. Also contradicting his advisers, Romney said he thinks he can beat Obama.

One rankings analyst said that if Netflix's streaming service were a cable TV network, it would have the highest ratings. Likewise, he said if the Redbox near his house were a movie theater, it would be the best, like, ever.