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photo by MNKaren from Flickr
4 Funny Votes
1 Die Votes
140 Views
Published August 18, 2011

I was trying to talk to Chester. I crouched down, looked him right in the eyes and spoke. He just stared right through me as if I'd said nothing at all! Now either Chester was hard at hearing, or just plain rude. Well, Grandpa was watching and said that Chester heard me just fine, but didn't understand my language on account 'a him being a Daschund. Well that's fine, but he must be about forty in dog years and I assumed he'd pick up something by now. I won't even brag about how quickly I learned his language.

Grandpa said Chester didn't know how to speak to humans for many reasons, but mainly because we shared a "language bear ear." He later explained that this was the reason we couldn't speak to other animals, electronics and most foreigners. This was quite the hurdle. As you know, I was going to the hostel later to look for a wife and thank goodness grandpa mentioned that language bear ear thing. He said you can work around it if you just stick to hand gestures and universal sound effects, like laughing, screaming, snoring and growling. (These things mean the same in every language).

I got to the hostel and saw what seemed to be my future wife. She had a movie lady face and her chest was really squishy looking. I flagged her down with my thumb gesture. I tried English on her, but she looked at me like Chester did before. So I followed grandpa's advice. I started snoring and she laughed! I laughed too. We were already in love and we spoke only a few words of the universal language. Things reached a bit of a lull, so I tried another "word." I growled at her. She looked confused, so I kept doing it in case she was deaf or something. Soon enough, she started screaming! It was her way of telling me things were going too fast. She started running away, so I took the ring out before she left my sight. Just then, this large bearded man saw me proposing and tackled me immediately. He threw me outside of the hostel and told me to "Never come back again." My, how refreshing. I really missed English!

I could not blame Bearded Man, for the top-heavy beauty was so precious, he no doubt wanted to marry her himself. Once he saw the ring, he must've feared he'd lose her to me. I was happy for him and not too upset for I could get any girl and Bearded Man probably could not.

I returned to Grandpa's house yet again with a new tale of love lost. He knew everything about love, so he got bored. As I described my beautiful ex, he started snoring (in English), so I assumed he didn't want to hear the rest of my story. I was grateful for grandpa's wisdom and decided to head home when I noticed Chester was being barked at by his female companion. This must've lasted for minutes! Chester listened, but didn't respond at all. I realized Chester wasn't deaf, he was a grumpy grump.

But I was truly happy for Chester and his ability to find love. Chester began receiving mouth attention from his lady and started to glare at me angrily. He began barking violently and I knew it was time for me to leave. I was embarrassed but also very happy that Chester finally spoke to me. Grandpa would've been impressed.

I walked home with the ring handy, just in case a wife walked by. I'd be back tomorrow.

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