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May 23, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Consumer Reports says people value fuel economy over quality and safety when buying a car. Which explains the popularity behind the Honda Two Motorcycles Connected By Old Wooden Planks.

Monday night was the series finale of "House." The show ended with Hugh Laurie's character being stolen by Bank of America.

A UFC fighter was fined $79,500 and banned from fighting for a year for using marijuana, though he says it was for his ADHD. Because cage fighting is best performed when you think pot helps you focus.

Eight people were shot near the Oklahoma City Thunder's arena following the team's win over the Lakers. People in Oklahoma City were understandably excited because they're just so used to bombing.

Andy Caffrey, a candidate for California's 2nd Congressional District, promised, "I’ll smoke a joint on the Capitol steps and get arrested to draw national attention to what’s going on." Likewise, you can count on him to puff-puff-pass key legislation.

The head of the U.N.'s nuclear agency believes an agreement on Iran's energy program will be “signed quite soon.” "You can Geiger count on it!" he said, high-fiving a nuclear physicist.

A&E canceled "Dog the Bounty Hunter." In related news, A&E has picked up the new show, "Dog the Job Hunter."

A man survived the jump over Niagara Falls, becoming only the fourth person to survive the plunge without any protection. Still slightly better odds than what Kim Kardashian's vagina offers.

Authorities say the man was eventually pulled to safety on the Canadian side of the river. There he was greeted with hugs and a cup of warm instant coffee.

A British company is auctioning a vial of Ronald Reagan's blood. "That's hardly enough to get a buzz off of," said Republicans.

Defending himself, the man selling the vial of blood stated, “I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that President Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating it.” Others contend that if Reagan were alive, he'd just want his blood back.

On Tuesday, California’s SpaceX successfully launched the first spacecraft mission not commissioned by the government. Watching the launch from afar was NASA while listening to that Aerosmith song from "Armageddon."