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November 09, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

On Thursday, Florida's votes were officially awarded to Barack Obama. Said Obama, "Oh thanks, you can just throw those over there with the rest of them."

In Bulgaria, archeologists have discovered a large amount of gold belonging to the ancient Thracians. Equally astonishing: They found people living in Bulgaria.

Jared Loughner, the man who shot Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and killed six, has been given seven life sentences. "Easiest time you'll ever do," said his cat lawyer.

At Loughner's sentencing, Mark Kelly, an astronaut and Giffords' husband, said, “You tried to create for all of us a world as dark and evil as your own. But know this, and remember it always: You failed.” Adding, "I'm an astronaut."

In an interview, Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad strongly suggested he won't be stepping down. "Four more years! Four more years!" he chanted to himself.

Kirstie Alley says Patrick Swayze wanted her to divorce her husband so they could be together. Which makes sense if you replace Patrick Swazye with pie.

A McDonald's in West Virginia flew the American flag upside down and at half-mast because of Obama's re-election. Though if they really wanted to insult him, they would've used the Kenyan flag.

"19 Kids and Counting" star Michelle Duggar got a new hair style after 40 years of the same one. Said Duggar, "I wanted something that said 'Stop impregnating me.'"

The United States revealed that two Iranian jets fired on a drone last week. They would've mentioned it sooner but people were starting to like Obama again.

Former "Saved By the Bell" star Lark Voorhies is denying reports that she has a mental illness. A point she emphasized by turning towards the camera and pretending like no one could hear her talk.