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May 08, 2015
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Colbert Gives Buttload Of Money To South Carolina Schools

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Stephen Colbert is the best! No one I’ve ever met doesn’t think Stephen Colbert is the best. Granted, I keep a very tight social circle of only people that agree with and champion my worldview, BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

Colbert announced yesterday that he will fund every grant request that South Carolina school teachers have made on Donorschoose.org, a crowd funding website for education projects. He partnered with a few other non-profits, The Morgridge Foundation and ScanSource, to completely fund almost 1,000 projects for a total of $800,000.

This is exactly the kind of thing people who are not rich say they would do if they ever got rich, and Colbert actually did it! Colbert, who is a product of the South Carolina public school system, said he used the money from auctioning off his old Colbert Report set but my guess is that alone didn’t make quite enough to make such a generous donation. Colbert joined some South Carolina teachers to make the announcement live to a group of students. Here’s some video evidence:

This is clearly great news for South Carolina public school but, as with any deal, I can only assume there are a few unspoken expectations that Colbert has for all of the projects he’s funded. Here are a few things you can expect from the Colbert funded projects.


1. He made a few of the donations as the character Stephen Colbert from the Colbert Report. One of the projects bans all decorations from school classrooms. The project’s philosophy states that it’s the overstimulation of America’s youth that is distracting them from learning math good!

2. One of the projects he funded allows Colbert to, at any time he feels like it, enter a South Carolina public school of his choosing as his Strangers with Candy Character Chuck Noblet. Understand?

3. South Carolina public schools are no longer allowed to serve food.

4. Tornadoes are not allowed in any South Carolina Public Schools from now on.

5. All morning announcements in South Carolina Public Schools must be delivered gently.

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