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Women these days put way too much emphasis on their weight and looks, it’s craziness. Not every girl can look like Jennifer Lopez. Hell, most girls out there look more like George Lopez. However, honestly though, if you are taller when you lay down to sleep at night then you are when you get up in the morning then that’s one thing…but if that’s not the case then your appearance is certainly salvageable, trust me. You may refuse to believe it but most guys think you’re sexy…we’re guys, all day long we think about D in the Va G, of course we think you’re sexy, regardless of how “beautiful you are,” it’s just the degree of sexiness that varies. You pretty much have to have been beaten across the face mercilessly with the ugly stick to not qualify as a sexy woman in some form and capacity and even then we might still be willing to feed a dog a bone.

So enough of this nonsensical self-consciousness bullcrap ladies, I say instead of everyone trying to lose weight, we should all try and gain wieght. It’s such a good call, think about it, if eveyone was fat, the emphasis on looks would all but diminish and we would all coexist as one BIG jolly family. Sure we wouldn’t live nearly as long, but on the bright side, overpopulation would become a distant memory. We should all be fat, New Jersey has it right, they knew what they were doing after all. As the plot thickens to see how this insecure generation of ours turns out, the people of New Jersey also thicken, and wisely so, for they understand that it’s not what’s on the surface that matters, it’s all the layers underneath, the meat and potatos.

Of course if you do decide to follow the trend and attempt to lose weight, don’t listen to all those bogus diet plans for I have the best and most cost efficient one of all. Just buy a few ecstasy pills for 10-15 dollars a pop and eat them on an empty stomach one night before going out to party in the club. Just take Eminem’s advice and lose yourself in the music while grinding up on some scumbag into the wee hours of the morning. Don’t forget to drink heavily pounding vodka tonics 2 at a time and before you know it you’ll be so shitstormed that eating will be the last thing on your mind and when you come down you’ll crash hardcore and pass out somewhere being way too zoned out and disoriented for feeding time. Then when you wake up the next day you will have gone almost an entire day with eating nothing but a few pills, about 15 camel lights, and maybe unknowingly a batch of baby batter or two, but that’s it. Wake up a solid 2 lbs lighter, eat a spoonful of oatmeal or something to replenish, then pop another pill and start it over again losing another 2 disgusting pounds. By Sunday afternoon you will have lost 4 pounds! And there’s only a 20% chance of your heart stopping! This diet also works for heroin as well. Just fire a fatty into your arm each night before you go out and food will be the last thing you want, trust me it works. I know a chick whose been doing it every day and thrice on Sunday’s for a few months now and she’s currently hovering around her birth weight…and she looks gorgeous! Jealous? Of course you are, try it out…I mean, why are you fussing so much about your looks? What’s the matter with you?

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