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February 14, 2011

If you see two bears making sweet sweet love, run away. Run as far as you can. Here’s why.

We all know you want to watch bears having sex. That much we know. But whatever you do, resist that urge. If you see two bears making sweet sweet love, run away. As fast as you can. Here’s why:

1. If they become aware of your presence, they will make eye contact with you while they climax. A beargasm lasts up to 23 minutes and you will be frozen in fear as they stare you down without blinking for nearly a half-hour, depositing four gallons of semen into their partner. And into your soul.

2. If you do catch them climaxing, and oh boy will they climax, the male bear will let out a deafening roar. And I don’t know how it’s possible, but that roar will sound remarkably like the name of your deceased dog.

3. Bears are known to pick their next mate while beargasming. The only criteria they use for choosing a lover is hearing someone say, “Oh look! Two bears doing it! Let’s watch!” Based on scientific fact, there’s a 100% chance you’ll say this when you randomly encounter two bears having sex. Do not! Otherwise, you’re next. And if you need a reminder as to why this is a bad idea: 23-minute orgasm.

4. Bears having sex is illegal in 48 out of 50 states. The moment you witness a bear inside another bear and decide to watch for a few hours, you are an accomplice to a crime. The jail sentence varies, but it’s usually no more than six months. Not so bad. But the catch is you must share a cell with one of the bears. Also, see #3.

5. While your bear sex textbooks (sextbooks) may say otherwise, a bear’s vagina bears a strong resemblance to your face. No matter what you look like. And a bear’s penis, well, looks like a bear’s penis. But put them together, and you’ve got a mental image for the rest of your life. Unless that’s your thing. And in that case, this list may be retitled “5 Reasons To Catch Bears Having Sex And Good Luck With Your Vagina Face.”

Illustrated By Pat Barrett