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November 24, 2015

How To Become A Man: Explaining Sex To Your Son But In A Cool Way

So your prepubescent son is starting to get horny. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly natural! However, this means that pretty soon your wife is going to force you to explain sex to him and also get all of her bras back.

There’s no two ways about it — talking to your children about sex is awkward but essential. By doing so, you not only help your youngster begin his long, slow pilgrimage toward manhood, you also take some of the final and most important steps toward your destiny as a full-on, mature American man. Regardless, it’s very hard to look cool to your 12-year-old son while making eye contact with him and stammering through the word “vagina.” But it’s not impossible!

Below is a guide to explaining sex to your son but in a cool way.

1. Have the conversation during a car ride to a sports game while listening to another sports game on the radio.
Being stuck with him in a car is sometimes the only way to get quality time with your son. But to avoid being too vulnerable, the game you are heading to and the game you are currently listening to will provide an adequate double-buffer to all the awkward explanations of why and how jizz comes out of wieners.

Sports have been the standard bearer of coolness throughout man’s history and are perfect for generating talking points to head off the residual awkward silence immediately following you ending a sentence with “…and don’t be fooled, you can still get herpes from mouth sex.”

2. Tell him that his mother made you do it.
It might sound counter-intuitive for a man to pass the buck like this, but it ain’t passing the buck if it’s true! It’s also important to make your son realize that this is something you don’t like talking about so he will grow up not wanting to talk about it and will ridicule anyone who does, thus steering his peer group away from any relevant discussion on the topic and ensuring generations to come will be just like us.

This tactic will also form an immediate “us vs. them” connection with your son. Banding together against a common enemy (earnest communication/women) is very cool.

3. Do NOT hold his hand.
Holding hands is a universal symbol for support and affection EXCEPT when you are explaining to your son why he gets boners. Plus, nothing screams uncool to a 12-year-old boy like an attempt at “support.” Preteen boys are as dog-eat-dog as humans get.

4. Use the word “respect” in every single sentence when talking about the female part of sex. And just pepper it in as kind of a catch-all, wildcard word when you don’t know what else to say.
Respect is of the utmost importance when dealing with sex and for this reason you cannot use the word enough. Glossing over vaginas and ovaries and periods is your best bet, but if you ever find yourself too deep into an explanation of “the female version of a boner,” just find a way to land on the magic R word. Here’s a few examples:

  • “And so, the man’s penis goes into the woman’s vagina RESPECTFULLY.”
  • “And so, once a month, women have their periods, so RESPECT that.”
  • “And so, foreplay is when a man RESPECTS a woman in certain RESPECTFUL areas to show RESPECT.”

5. Try to avoid using your index finger to represent a human penis.
I know I know, it’s so natural when saying “your penis will become erect” to hold your hand up and slowly straighten your previously curled index finger. But I’m telling you: Fight that urge! Or else five years from now an older, pimply version of your son will get one glance at you picking your ear and not be able to look you in the eye for weeks.

Also, acting things out is lame as hell and will definitely not score you any cool points. Unless it’s air guitar or machine guns.

6. Finish the discussion by tossing a condom on your son’s lap, squinting out at the open road, and gruffly saying “…just in case.”
Total baller move.
***Note: Don’t explain or even mention condoms throughout the talk. He’ll get it.

You’ve explained sex to your son, but in a cool way.