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October 15, 2015

When you see a living man with long hair, you don't assume he's a woman. Why should it be any different for skeletons?

OK, listen up, everyone, because I am sick and tired of having to keep saying this: Yes, I am a skeleton with long hair, but that does NOT mean that I’m a girl skeleton. I am a MALE SKELETON, alright? Men are allowed to have long hair in the world of the living, are they not? And I happen to be the remains of a long-haired man who died in a skiing accident and eventually became a skeleton. PERIOD. Why is this so hard to understand?

So to my fellow male skeletons down at the cemetery, please stop with the incessant cat-calling as I walk among the tombstones at night. I just wanna get back to my crypt without hearing, “Hey, Mami, lemme grab a handful of them luscious locks while we knock our dusty pelvises together.” First off, catcalling is deplorable behavior, plain and simple — but that’s an op-ed for another day. Right now I just want to focus on this antiquated notion that all skeletons with long hair must be female. It’s 2015, and that is just plain ridiculous.

Look, I get that we skeletons don’t have much to go on in the way of gender-distinguishing features, and there are certain shorthands in our society that have traditionally denoted “male” and “female.” It’s the classic Pac-Man/Ms. Pac-Man distinction: Throw a bow or a set of long eyelashes on the original and suddenly you’ve got his female counterpart. Well, I’m sorry to blow your minds but in the real world, things aren’t always so simple. Some girl skeletons like to play bone-ball (a full-contact skeleton sport traditionally played by bone-boys) and some boy skeletons have long hair. Deal with it.


Dr. JENNIFER Chambers — Oh, what, does that shock you?

And before you even say anything; NO, I don’t like heavy metal music. That’s another stereotype. It seems that even when I am recognized as being male, people just assume — again, because of my long hair — that I must be some wild, Iron Maiden–loving metal-head type, and that’s simply not me. In fact, the hardest band I listen to is The Cranberries. I generally do more mellow stuff like Joni Mitchell, Cat Stevens, and this one Spooky Sounds CD that’s mostly door creaks (hey, I’m still a skeleton, LOL).

Anyway, I gotta go take a dump (yes, skeletons can take dumps — check your privilege), but please remember:

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”

— Isaac Asimov, author and current skeleton