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January 12, 2014

If your dog tries to eat from the ground, follow these simple steps to avoid bigger problems.


Step 1: Yell at your dog. Your dog should know better than to eat from the ground. Yelling will make him see the error of his ways and ensure that he never does this again.

Step 2: Attempt to remove the object from your dog’s mouth. Wrench the dog jaws open and sweep at the back of the dog mouth until the object has been removed.

Step 3: If the object has already been swallowed, don’t panic. The dog is probably fine — unless it ate one of those things that turns dogs into radioactive piles of ghost bones, in which case it’s definitely not fine.

Step 4: Wipe your hands on the dog to get some of the slobber off. Make a mental note to wash your hands when you get home, but forget to do this.

Step 5: Relax, you’re done! Now that this episode is behind you, you can get back to enjoying your dog.*

*In the unfortunate event that your dog attempts to eat something from the ground on a second occasion, this means that your dog is broken — or a “lemon.” Return the lemon immediately and demand a full refund.**

**If the dog salesperson refuses to issue a refund for the lemon, demand to speak to the dog sales manager.***

***If the dog sales manager refuses to issue a refund, become hysterical and cause a scene by launching into the traumatic funeral part from My Girl (“Thomas J. can’t see without his glasses! Put his glasses on!”) This should cause enough discomfort so that the manager will give you whatever you want in order to get you off the premises.****

****Find that suddenly launching into the Thomas J. funeral scene from My Girl without warning also helps you to get your way in a number of other situations — from getting out of traffic tickets to shirking social and work-related obligations.*****

*****Decide that reenacting the funeral scene from My Girl is kind of your “thing” now and that you don’t really have any other “things.”******

******Discover that you no longer have any friends or job and are banned from multiple places of business.*******

*******You have now entered a phase of your life defined by devastating isolation, boundless loneliness, and mounting credit card debt. To regain some sense of companionship, responsibility, and connection with the outside world, use the last of your remaining credit to buy a dog.********

********If your new dog eats something from the ground, repeat steps 1–5 as needed.