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May 07, 2011

A recap of this year's Feminine Hygiene Awards with host Ellen Degeneres!

For the third year in a row, the creative team behind Vagisil swept the Hygiene Awards, winning "Most Satisfying Results" and "Feminine Hygiene Product of the Year."
This year's show was also one of the highest rated in the ten years of the show's broadcast, pulling in a 12.3 Nielsen Rating for the Lifetime channel. The show has enjoyed more success since relocating to Lifetime in 2004 after mediocre viewership nearly sunk the show in its years on the Sci Fi channel. 
A detail that did not go unnoticed by spot-on host Ellen Degeneres who joked, "Thank God the network realized Feminine Hygiene isn't a Walk on the moon, but something that happens in the course of a lifetime." The opening monologue had some funny moments, and a few of the better products won top awards.
Surprisingly, the show had little of the political grandstanding or industry irreverence marking many other award ceremonies. With the exception of the protestors.
The daytime talk show host's most biting remark was a mild joke at the expense of the much
publicized protestors. Those representing organic feminine hygiene alternatives, who, for the fourth year in a row, have been snubbed by the ceremony. Degeneres was quick to point out, "You can't blame us for not wanting our feminine hygiene to go green!" which brought raucous laughs from the crowd.
And there was just enough low-key sizzle and lack of sentiment to keep the long night aloft.
As evidenced by Degeneres' onstage pretending to use an oversized tampon as a microphone. After groans from the crowd subsided, Degeneres lightly tapped the top of the tampon and quipped, "Hello? Hello? Is this thing in?" 
There was a long and loving homage to the late Bea Arthur, which included a special appearance by the surviving Golden Girls who strolled onto the stage holding hands. (But barely able to keep it together.) Perhaps the most fitting tribute to this legendary performer was a quote from Betty White when she said, "The only thing Bea loved more than the sound of laughter, was feeling fresh on a daily basis."
Other highlights included a reunion performance of 90's alternative band, 4 Non-Blondes, who performed a stirring rendition of the Coldplay song, "Fix You." Poet Maya Angelou was also on hand to debut her new poem entitled, "The sweet spot", an ode to advances in feminine hygiene.
While Vagisil was the big winner, the night was not without a few surprises.
Pandora Pads stunned the audience for winning, "Most Reliable New Product." 
Jenny Frost, founder of Pandora Pads, joked, "This proves Pandora's box is worth opening after all!"
In another upset, Kotex, long overlooked at the ceremony despite its shameless campaigning, finally won for "Most Versatile." 
After the people from Kotex left the stage with their award, Degeneres cleverly opined, "Just goes to show, awards are a lot like periods, better late than never!"
Another surprise of the evening was the show's running time, which was kept just under four hours, leading to the host's final rib, "Who would of thought that feminine hygiene, for the first time in history, could be taken care of in under four hours."
Below is a complete list of the night's winners.

Least Side Effects - -Vagisil

Comeback Product of the Year- -Mooncup

Achievement in Sound, or Lack There of- -Nova Sure

Most Convincing Ad Campaign- -Vagisil

Most Versatile- -Kotex

Most Reliable- -Pandora Pads

Most Satisfying Results- -Vagisil

Honorable Mention- -Playtex

Honorable Mention Runner Up- -Tampax Pearl

Feminine Hygiene Product of the Year- -Vagisil

Best Celebrity Spokesperson- -Elizabeth Taylor, Gladrags

"Ellen on stage performing an inspired musical about Menopause."