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March 13, 2017

25. Mowgli and Baloo sing their new song “Vegan and Loving It”

News that the latest Disney remake will include a gay character has some calling for a boycott, but it’s just the first in a series of scenes in upcoming Disney remakes that are causing outrage.

1. A flashback to the sexual encounter that created Ariel’s grandfather, the first mermaid
2. Aladdin swipes a loaf of bread and donates it to Planned Parenthood
3. The Seven Dwarfs march for same-sex polygamy
4. Mulan chooses a public restroom
5. Rafiki supports fracking
6. The Mad Hatter’s condition was caused by vaccines
7. Lady and the Tramp experiment with light noodle bondage
8. Lightning McQueen deflates his tires during the national anthem
9. Andy’s Potato Heads decide to drop the “Mr.” and “Mrs.” as they discover how fluid gender is, especially for them
10. Sadness from Inside Out embraces Dianetics
11. Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming have a frank discussion about consent
12. Hercules uses HGH
13. Doc the Dwarf provides abortions
14. Tiger Lily is an activist against the Never Land Pipeline
15. Monsters Inc. relocates to a Caribbean tax haven
16. The Sheriff of Nottingham waterboards
17. Frozone’s super suit is made in China
18. The star Geppetto wishes upon for a little boy does not report his suspicions about the old man
19. Bucky and Pronk visit the Zootopia adoption agency
20. Prince Charming invites his live-in massage therapist, Brent, to tag along on the Honeymoon
21. Scar gets corrective cosmetic surgery
22. Russians hack into WALL-E
23. Elsa reminisces about her wild years at Smith
24. At least 33 of those Dalmatians came from puppy mills
25. Mowgli and Baloo sing their new song “Vegan and Loving It”
26. Monsters University drops a noted conservative monster scholar as commencement speaker after student protests
27. Mr. Toad glorifies texting and driving
28. Quasimodo refuses treatment for religious reasons
29. The Aristocats refuse to release their tax returns
30. Pocahontas’s father founds the American anti-immigration movement
31. Captain Hook does not have access to handicap parking
32. The Witch Doctor in The Princess and the Frog is from PETA
33. Thumper actually supports the NRA
34. Zazu previously worked for Goldman Sachs
35. Tigger drops a “g” because it’s just uncomfortable
36. Brother Bear is now about an Inuit boy who is transformed into a large gay black man
37. The Fox and the Hound get married
38. Willie is replaced by automated steamboat technology
39. The Sword in the Stone now requires a concealed weapon permit
40. The Emperor’s New Groove features full frontal nudity
41. The sad montage in Up now clearly includes the old woman using medical marijuana
42. Everything in Song of the South
43. Dory’s condition is a direct consequence of Deepwater Horizon
44. The Seven Dwarfs blame their condition on the nuclear plant next door
45. Jafar now explicitly works for ISIS
46. Stitch is designed from embryonic stem cells
47. The Incredibles often assist Border Patrol
48. Timon and Pumba go antiquing
49. King Louie is straight
50. A Bug’s Life begins at conception