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March 29, 2017
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We wouldn't mind dipping our fries into that!

It looks like this summer is gonna be a scorcher! And no, it’s not because Trump is rolling back Obama’s climate change regulations. ;)

On Thursday, Heinz revealed a brand new packaging design for it’s signature product. Starting this May, all Heinz Ketchup will come in a bottle shaped like a sexy lady!

We wouldn’t mind dipping our fries into that!

One things for sure: this ain’t your grandaddy’s ol’ catsup vase. The new 14oz molded plastic bottle depicts a young, large-breasted woman clad only in a skimpy tank top and a pair of cut-off jean shorts, about to take a big bite of a hot dog that’s absolutely smothered in Heinz Ketchup.

Umm, we thought that we were supposed to make the bottle squirt, not the other way around!

But how exactly did this buxom burger-mate come to be?

“Ketchup is an afterthought to a lot of consumers,” said Skip Croot, VP of Marketing for Heinz. “We were tired of playing second fiddle at every grill out.”

Heinz has certainly got our attention now! And if they made the ketchup bottle any sexier, we might need a second to fiddle with ourselves!

“Honestly, we just wanted to get people talking about Heinz Ketchup,” added Croot. “And we really didn’t care how we did it. We were this close to putting out “glitter ketchup.” Thank God it cut up the insides of our test rats so bad or else we never would have thought to make the bottle look like a sexy lady.”

To be fair, this ketchup bottle shaped like a sexy lady is giving us a stomach ache, too: it’s making our penises so long and hard that they keep poking us right in the gut!

“I know this bottle is going to make a lot of people upset,” Croot admitted. “Some people will say that they love the old bottle. A lot more people will say probably say that the new bottle is a pitiful, purposeful, and explicit objectification of women. Well, if they want someone to blame, blame me. Because when you spend your entire life trying to convince people to buy more ketchup, you’ll do anything to have the spotlight for once, even if it’s for the wrong reasons.”

Hey, Skip? If wanting to have sex with a ketchup bottle shaped like a sexy lady is wrong, then we don’t wanna be right!

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