American Pharoah easily won the Belmont Stakes this weekend, becoming the first Triple Crown winner in 37 years since Affirmed won in 1978. The horse led wire-to-wire on Saturday, handily defeating second-place Frosted by five-and-a-half lengths. As only the eleventh horse in horse-racing history to win the Triple Crown, American Pharoah is sure to take in extremely high stud fees and sire a slew of next-generation racehorses when he is retired. See below for a guest op-ed from the champion horse.
Summer is here and now that I, American Pharoah, have won the Triple Crown, it’s time to fuuuuuuuck. I am a total stud, and I plan to spend all my free time getting it in. All the fillies down at the pasture are going to be sweating my giant horse dick. They’re going to be lining up to get a piece of this action. The Pharoah is going to spend all summer creeping, and it’s going to be off the hook!
I am in, no joke, the best shape of my life — seriously, check out these leg muscles. I’ve been working out all year to get to this. I am fresh-to-death. I look mint. And I’m no juicehead. This shit is all-natural, because you know The Pharaoh is all about the GTL, baby: gallop, trot, lope!
And not only do I keep things tight, but I am also flush with sweet cash. I pulled in a cool $3 mil this past year. If we’re vibing, maybe I’ll even treat a filly to a carrot or two before we head back to my stable. But hey — I like my fillies classy! Make sure your tail is combed and your horse kookah is clean. And I don’t want no grenades or sloppopotamuses, so don’t get all hyped up on sugar cubes before we smush. Horse sex is pretty out of control as it is.
And no, I will not be wearing a condom. If you want to fuck The Pharoah, you best be taking care of your own birth control because The Pharoah likes to ride bareback. If I spread my seed and impregnate a few fillies along the way, don’t think I’m going to be taking care of any baby horses. I’ve got way too many fillies lined up to worry about taking care of you and your baby horse. The Pharoah is just one and done, so don’t think this is going to turn into some relationship.
I’ve got a tradition to keep up. That last horse that won the Triple Crown, Affirmed, he sired over 80 race winners. And Secretariat? Secretariat was a fucking legend. Secretariat got a shit-ton of horse pussy after he won the Triple Crown. But you know who’s going to bang more fillies than Secretariat? THE PHAROAH!
And did I mention I also get paid for this? Yep! Man, this is going to be the best summer ever.
Bow to The Pharoah, bitches!