Facts Are For Suckers

By JasonSereno.com January 20, 2010 | 401 Views

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I have a handful of conservative friends. Not so many that I could be considered a sympathizer. Just a few.

Being friends with them isn't always easy, but maintaining the relationships make me feel better about myself. After all - if I can look past something as ominous as conflicting political views - I must be a truly enlightened individual, right?

So we eat lunch together. We go out for drinks. One of them gave me a handjob. It's fine.

Yesterday, while sitting with a group of the right-wingers, I hear: "It's a fact. The people of Massachusetts have spoken."

Of course that person was referring to the GOP special election win by Scott Brown, the new pickup-driving Senator and former pin-up model, who had enough decency to cover up his junk but not his tangled mess of pubic hair in an '82 edition of Cosmo:

So - right then and there - I decided to drop a bombshell on their elephant-loving asses.

"Facts are for suckers," I said. "I don't believe in them."

The group let out a boisterous laugh. The handjobber blushed. Surely she hoped it was just another one of my super-engaging conversation starters.

"What is that supposed to mean?" someone asked. "It doesn't even make sense."

"Doesn't it?" I challenged back. "You show me a fact and I'll show you someone trying to prove a point. Facts are for suckers. I believe in the truth. It's universal."

Their collective jaw dropped. The Sereno legend lives on.

And it's no joke. Facts are bullshit. They're used to motivate people and support points of view. The next time you hear someone say "in fact ...," listen to what follows. It'll no doubt be a direct attack on what you know to be true.

On Dragnet, when Joe Friday asked for "just the facts, ma'am," did he get the truth? No. He received a borderline-useless eyewitness account of what happened. The whole show was spent searching through the misleading facts that plagued his investigation.

When the FDA releases facts on cigarette smoking is it to fuel its own agenda? Yep. That agenda may be loosening the stranglehold tobacco has on the United States, but it's still an agenda. And it'd be nowhere without those eye-opening and strategically-placed facts.

... So is it a fact? Have the people of Massachusetts spoken? Depends who you ask. As for me, I'll be sipping a margarita and floating in a pool of the truth. You should join me.

There isn't a gratuitous pubic hair in sight.

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