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October 15, 2012

An in-depth look at the "drunk girl" in her natural friend-making habitat

Over the years, there are so many things that I have noticed about the women folk. For a while there has been one big old whopping obvious thing that girls do that I thought I would write about so you can look for it next time and giggle yourself to sleep that night. Everyone likes to have a good time. So why not have a good time and toss a couple drinks back? Well there's this one thing that women are very fond of doing when they guzzle down their desired amount of alcoholic beverages and that is one night stands. No, no, and no. Not that kind of one night extraveganza. I am talking of course about the hundreds of Best Friend one night stands that every woman who is just a little bit past the old tipsy point racks up each night they go out.

Maybe I am mistaken here and the definition has changed over the years, but I always thought a best friend/buddy/pal/home-boy was someone who you were pretty fond of because you had been through some time with him or her. (Ugh, or it. Pets can be your best friend I suppose, but if that's true, can you delete yourself from this website?) I'm talking about someone who has at least twenty-five or thirty hilarious adventures with that you can recount upon everytime time you all hang out; even though there might be some folks who don't have any clue as to what you are referring to. (BECAUSE THEY AREN'T YOUR BFF) Well now that I have unfortunately used up my quota for saying "BFF" for the year, I can get on with it.

As I was saying before, alcoholically-enhanced women have this habit of being easily seduced. As someone's new best friend. If you happen to not have any clue about what I might be saying, here are a few real-life examples that I have actually witnessed with my own two eye balls.

Example #1

RANDOM GIRL: Ah, darn. I spilled my drink on my shoe!

DRUNK GIRL: Let me help you with that!

RANDOM GIRL: Aw. That's like, really nice of you because I don't drink very much and I don't know hardly anyone here.

DRUNK GIRL: I love you! Best friends! Facebook picture! (click noise)

Example #2

DRUNK GIRL: So, like, are you from this area?

RANDOM GUY: Well I'm from Dayton, Ohio so not too far away. What about you?

DRUNK GIRL: I'm from the Toledo area, but that's so crazy that we're both from Ohio! I love you! Best friends! Facebook picture for my Ohio Best Friends album! (click noise)

Example #3

AFRICAN-AMERICAN GUY: Hey, my name's Marcus. Do you like my flat bill ball cap?

DRUNK GIRL: I love you! Best friends! Facebook picture! (click noise)

These are just a couple short examples that I whipped out from my journal entries of proof but hopefully you're starting to get the picture. I have been working in the laboratory for countless hours doing research, making charts, running chemical tests, and scanning that website that the movie Social Network was based on; and I have finally developed a policy as to deal with the best friend habits and rituals that a drunk female will exhibit on a nightly basis.

FIRST RULE: Never make accidental or intentional contact with this female; this goes for both animate and inanimate objects anywhere within her radius. This will undoubtedly lead to conversation and a premature best friend coronation. WHAT TO DO IF IT'S TOO LATE: Avoid eye contact or laughter, and by NO means are you to mention in any way that she may look familiar from somewhere. Just mumble a polite excuse me and keep it moving. SECOND RULE: Never let yourself be photographed anywhere in the vicinity of this female. Even if it is by accident that any part of your body is captured in that camera phone picture, she will take one look at it immediately after she takes it, and approach everyone in it. WHAT TO DO IF IT'S TOO LATE: At this point, she has cold, hard evidence that you spent time within at least one hundred yars of her; so the only thing left to do is either make sure it gets "accidently dropped in the toilet" or "accidently eaten by the dog". Either way, you have to destroy the evidence. THIRD RULE: Never let yourself be seen by her talking to anyone she might know. This is a tricky one because it's already been established that she makes best friends quickly, so this could be nearly impossible. WHAT TO DO IF IT'S TOO LATE: If she walks up and begins to talk to the same person you've already made it clear that you are friends with, simply say "Well it was nice to meet you" to that person (not her) and jet out of there. Don't worry if it was someone you've known for a long time, they will understand. If that person is really a good friend, he or she will not reveal any information about you to the drunken best friend grabber.

I could sit around and explain away to you ways of dipping, ducking, and dodging intoxicated female best friend maker machines, but I will save you the time and tell you that if for some reason, out of sheer bad luck, nothing seems to be working and you cannot seem to shake her, there is one thing you can do: RUN! Running is the safety net for all prospective escapees because by the morning, everything will be forgotten and she will never remember any of it until she puts back some more drinks. Even though it may mean you have to leave the festivities behind for the night, you will thank me when you can say that you made it through the night being "Phony Best Friend Free". Phony best friends are like STD's to the ladies, they aren't very keen on them. But that's all I've got for you guys. I hope this can be of some help to you all. Stay clean out there ladies and gentlemen and fight for a cure! God Bless and Good Night.