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February 09, 2016
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This dilapidated riverside is nothing Mulder and Scully should have to see.

For the first time in over a decade, we finally got to see new episodes of The X-Files, and no one’s more “X-cited” than I am! Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are back, delving into new strange mysteries and conspiracies, and I’m thrilled. I can’t wait to see where their investigations take them next, as long as they steer clear of the ugly abandoned waterfront in my hometown. That whole rundown area is a disgrace that I’d be embarrassed for them to see.

My hometown (which shall remain nameless, but yes it is in southern Ohio) has an eyesore of a waterfront. Broken smokestacks, empty warehouses, mostly vacant houseboats docked along piers slimy with scum and mold. The place is a watery dumpster, and I pray daily that a ghost sighting doesn’t bring Mulder and Scully to this dilapidated hellscape.

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Ugly abandoned waterfront: the shame of my city and not X-File material.

If Mulder and Scully saw the scrap metal that litters the riverside and the heaps of mud that rise from the storm drains and onto the sidewalks, they would throw up on the spot. There are not one, but two defunct sports arenas where my town’s disgraced minor league hockey team used to play, and there’s a closed coffee mug factory that’s half-buried in a sinkhole. I say to the FBI: “Keep your two best paranormal investigators far way from this trash heap, less they risk tripping over stray pool cues and leaving this junk land with many itchy fly bites.”

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The waterfront is a dumping ground for broken pool tables and billiards equipment. Mulder and Scully will cry here.

And there’s so much driftwood in the river. So much. It soaks and rots and leaves the air stagnant with the odor of mildew and pure death. There’s a lumber mill 10 miles upriver and it’s flue constantly malfunctions, dispensing dozens of logs into the river that just pile up along this hideous waterfront. If I had to explain that to Mulder and Scully, they would frown and belt out songs of woe and despair rather than solve any government cover-ups or supernatural phenomena.

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Driftwood, aka nature’s garbage, clogging my town’s only waterway. Avert your eyes Mulder and Scully!

Even worse, imagine that aliens landed among the discarded pool tables and loose X-ray images that blow around the waterfront. This would draw Mulder and Scully to the scene, maybe even A.D. Skinner and definitely Cigarette Smoking Man, and despite the grand spectacle of an alien encounter, they all would instead sob with uncontrolled pity at the half-built Ferris wheel and the inordinate amount of loose rusty chains scattered along the streets. They’d all really look down on me after that.

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Incompletely built Ferris wheel: please Mulder and Scully DO NOT RIDE IT! You will die!

Anyway, we probably could have a beautiful waterfront that would rival the grand promenades of the northern Ohio cities of Dayton and Toledo, but our town would rather let the wood-clogged riverside continue to shamefully deteriorate. Thank God I can take comfort in six brand-new episodes of The X-Files, knowing that Mulder and Scully will be solving cases far far away from the nightmare that is my hometown’s ugly waterfront.

Oh yes, and every part of the waterfront I’ve mentioned is under a highway overpass. What a humiliation.

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