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August 11, 2016
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The Bachelor franchise leftovers go to Paradise to get drunk together, fight, and bang out.

We are back where we left off. Mad Chad has been “kicked off the show.” He angrily traverses a dirt hill as Lord Harrison asks where he’s going.

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I don’t fucking know. Does it look like I know what I’m doing?

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What’s the city that sad girl from the The OC tried to kill herself in? Yeah, THAT one.

Chad: “On a scale of one to fuck off, fuck off!”

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The best scale of them all.

Mad Chad finally gets in a van, is handed some meat, and talks about his regrets.

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Truly the greatest Bachelor franchise tragedy of all time.

Reality sinks in.

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He doesn’t like that people didn’t appreciate his fun jokes.

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What happened to Mad Chad’s Mad Pillaging of Paradise we were promised?!? We cut back to Paradise, which has gotten 1 million times more boring.

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Cheers I guess to the boredom of trying to bang out while NOT worried for our safety…

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Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

Once Chad’s left, the reality of the rose numbers game hits the women.

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Sure enough, immediately after this, Liar Leah from Delicate Ben’s season traipses in. She’s done something to her lips and greater face area which makes her look like a middle-aged woman. Her main target? Mad Chad.

We can eat each other after we have sex, it’s perf!

The twins are not stoked, remembering in Ben’s season when Liar Leah threw Lauren B.land under the bus in a desperate attempt to stay on the show.

Liar Leah searches for her protein king.

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When she learns about his untimely demise, Leah sets her sights on Vile Nick Viall.

Vile Nick Viall: “Just in fairness alone, I’d like to get to know Leah from a sexual chemistry standpoint.”

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You know me. I’m all about fairness. There’s no justice in this world if I don’t give her a real shot at this d.

Twin Emily: “Can we just talk about how different she looks?”

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Then the Twins (who are really all about natural beauty) do impressions of Leah’s new lips.

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Vile Nick Viall then asks the Twins if they both have scoliosis. One shows Bachelor Nation her hump.

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Liar Leah then asks Nick out on her date card. Nick, out of fairness of course, has to say yes.

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As a gesture towards women’s equality, I’ll say yes and allow you to take me out on a date.

This show is heavily relying on banana penis imagery this season.

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Jared: “Yep, that’s gonna be stuck in my head the rest of the night.”

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It’s so weird I didn’t make friends in the 3-second-period I wasn’t sucking face with Mad Chad or punching him in the dick.

Crazy Lace wants to move on to her second choice in Paradise, Firefighter Grant, but she’s worried that the previous night’s sexcapades ruined that chance.

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I have this vague instinct that him watching me fully bang out Chad got to him.

As soon as Barber Vinny tells Firefighter Grant that Crazy Lace is down for the cause though, Grant runs over and assuages her fears.

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You know what I heard is the best way to screw Chad? Screw Grant.

Jubes hilariously runs away from the ocean.

Meanwhile, Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda is bummed Vile Nick Viall’s gone on a date with Liar Leah.

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I see myself like, conjuring an image of his d in my head sometimes. Is that something?

Liar Leah’s Date with Vile Nick Viall

Leah trips at the beginning of their date and tries to cutely recover by falling into Nick’s arms but he’s not having it.

They eat some gross street bugs.

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Leah wants to wash her laundry on Nick’s abs. She calls him a sexy lumberjack?

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Ah yes, your classic lumberjack look. Mild facial hair and a fitted white t-shirt.

When they get back to Paradise, Liar Leah goes for the make out.

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You had kind of fun? I’m taking that as kind of consent to make out with you.

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Meanwhile, Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda Facetimes with her young daughters.

Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda is not pleased to see Leah come back looking smitten and Nick’s dick soaked.

Everyone finds out that Nick gets a date card to go on ANOTHER date that night. “There are no rules in paradise.” Liar Leah is flabbergasted and thinks she’s going to get a second one.

Vile Nick Viall picks Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda though. Liar Leah is pissed and tries to Swimfan Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda as she’s getting ready.

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They would go perfect, stuffed in your mouth as you’re tied up. I mean, they’d go perfect with tennis shoes!

The ugly side of the Twins is really coming out this episode as they eviscerate Leah.

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Women helping women.

Leah tries to look happy about Vile Nick Viall picking up Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda for their date and it’s hilarious.

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You two kids have fun! Not too much! DON’T FUCKING TOUCH HIM HE’S MINE MWARRGHSAFSJDFLKSADFH!!!!???

Vile Nick Viall’s Date with Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda

Nick wears a terrible yellow shirt and tells Amanda how he loves her strong personality.

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Doormouse, on the other hand, I’ve been likened to quite frequently.

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Let’s get married and burn shit.

They intercut Amanda and Nick making out with Liar Leah sobbing about how it’s unfair and love never works out for her.

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Dick Pastor Evan and Carly meanwhile awkwardly flirt and bond over how they love watching the other couples awkwardly flirting.

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Like my facial hair suggests, I’m less of a participator in sexy times and more of a voyeur.

Carly entertains the idea.

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My instincts say it’s disgusting but there’s that 1% chance of a kink factor.

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Probably the former.

Dick Pastor Evan’s one move is to say he’s so tired and then slowly lean on Carly’s shoulder.

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My narcolepsy strikes at the weirdest times. Oops, didn’t see you there! Just wanted to pass out!

She finally tests it out.

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They superimpose fireworks over them making out to create a visual representation of how Dick Pastor Evan was feeling.

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When Dick Pastor Evan goes to sleep, Lord Harrison pushes the visual imagery ONE FULLY NECESSARY STEP FURTHER.

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Carly, on the other hand, HATED the kiss. She ponders how Dick Pastor Evan has two children when he can’t get it together enough to do the most basic romantic moves.

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No waaaaaayyyyyy

Meanwhile, Crazy Lace and Firefighter Grant are getting it on on the beach.

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Other than seductively blowing out candles.

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And I’m not JUST saying because the last guy was a raging rapey sociopath.

They get in bed together and we get a bunch of crab imagery to represent how Crazy Lace and Firefighter Grant are going at it.

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Post-coitus, they discover the camera recording them has been uncovered once again.

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I can’t believe there’s a camera recording us banging out on this reality tv series about people getting drunk and banging out! So cray.

Last Minute Scrambling Cocktail Party

The guys are giving the roses out tonight and the ladies do everything they can to stay in Paradise.

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Unless it’s with Chad. Obvi I’d be his bottom if he wanted.

Lord Harrison announces that at least two girls are going home after this rose ceremony. He also says that both Twins get to stay if one is chosen. We really need to keep the Twins together ‘cause what’s the point of one Twin. What would we even call that? A woman? Yuck!

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Jared weighing the repercussions of this news about the twins counting as one person.

Barber Vinny makes out with Sarah before going back to Izzy.

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So amazing. He made out with another girl right after me, but like, he HAD to.

Izzy asks Vinny for some kind of validation and Vinny chugs his drink.

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Vinny makes out with her to avoid any more questions.

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Are you giving me the rose? Shhhhhh bae shhhhh…

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Or maybe it’s your MILF dress. Idk.

Liar Leah demands answers from Nick because…

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Margarita, please give me the answer for how to get out of this conversation.

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Fucking look at me. Is this the start of our fucking love story or what?

Nick tells her he connected more with Amanda.

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Instinctively, Amanda. But let’s say my rose were up for grabs, what would you be willing to do? Butt stuff?

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Thanks but no thanks…

Liar Leah is pissed. She chugs some shots and moves on to Plan B.

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But I told him I was PICKY!!!!

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Drunk Liar Leah goes into some weird metaphor speech to explain to Damn Daniel why he should choose her.

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Liar Leah admits she’s not really into Daniel but says that it doesn’t matter. Everyone on this show is awful.

Damn Daniel makes fun of the Twins, “It’s not as bad as talking to a brick wall. Maybe they’re like talking to a leather couch… I’m an eagle and I’m not going to drop down to the pigeon level.”

Sarah plays her odds and tries her chances with Damn Daniel too.

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Sarah keeps laughing at all of Damn Daniel’s weird jokes. Liar Leah thinks she’s got Daniel’s rose in the bag though.

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The Rose Ceremony

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Who will these glorious prizes pick?

Vile Nick Viall picks Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda. Jared decides to go for the two-for-one deal.

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Vinny picks Izzy over Sarah.

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Dick Pastor Evan picks Carly. Firefighter Grant picks Crazy Lace. Damn Daniel picks Sarah and Liar Leah is pissed.

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Jubes is sad Jared picked the twins, who he “probably can’t even tell apart” over her.

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Liar Leah goes out in a cussing storm and then loses it.

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The Next Day…

Damn Daniel is a sneaky Canadian prankster and puts a crab on Vinny’s head.

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He twerks in the pool.

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Damn Daniel is the gift that keeps on giving.

We check in with Vile Nick Viall’s emotional story and he’s feeling fine.

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But THEN!!!! The winner of Andi’s Bachelorette season, Josh Murray, enters Paradise to shake things up.

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Heroic music for a most heroic dude.

In Josh’s intro, we get another SPECIAL EFFECT of a glint on his teeth.

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Some might know me for proposing to someone and then emotionally abusing them later.

Lord Harrison bestows a Date Card on Josh.

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I’m only giving you this if you promise to shoot Nick with it tho.

Josh’s entrance works the ladies up into a full-on TIZZY!

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Josh refers to his Date Card as his dick, charming the ladies and all of Bachelor Nation.

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Josh asks Carly about Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda.

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Perfect. Fuck the MILF AND fuck over Nick?! Could Paradise be any more Paradiser?

Nick realizes history may be repeating itself when Josh talks to Amanda. Josh asks Amanda what she does for fun.

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Soooo… no fun?

Josh pushes a sob story about his dog.

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He’s a huge douchebag but I guess that’s none of my business.

Josh asks Amanda out in front of Nick.

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We get some vulture imagery.

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Damn Daniel grills Nick on his feelings.

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Vile Nick Viall says that Andi Dorman wrote tell-all book about him and Josh. He says that the parts about Josh were “pretty aggressive and a little disturbing.”

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Josh’s Date with Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda

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She valued me not calling her a bitch and a whore, I valued calling it like it is. You know the drill.

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It frustrates me at the same time as having zero effect on me.

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It’s supes not biased.

Nick is thinking about throwing himself in the ocean: “I’d definitely be lying if I said I wasn’t curious about how it’s going.”

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Dat history repeating itself tho

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It totally seems like Andi was lying about Josh being a complete asshole…

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Nick tries to sweat out the emotions.

Back in Paradise, Dick Pastor Evan goes on an on about how he wants a date, “I just want to go on a date and ride horses in front of the sunset.”

Dick Pastor Evan does a little shimmy dance explaining how excited he is about Carly.

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Carly: “My brother told me to stop dating guys that were feminine.”

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Dick Pastor Evan asks Carly out and she ignores her brother’s warnings though.

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Dick Pastor Evan’s Date with Carly

Dick Pastor Evan’s dream of a sunset horseback-riding date is quickly thwarted. He doesn’t understand that he is Bachelor in Paradise’s clown and he must embarrass himself for the pleasure of Bachelor Nation.

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The most obscure, lamest history of all!

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Lord Harrison gleefully explains that they must eat the spicy peppers and then hold a kiss for 90 seconds.

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The people demand it.

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Carly narrates how much she hates this kiss, as if she has absolutely no choice in the matter.

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We are blessed with this image, which they could have easily cut out. But we focus on it to revel in the clown’s downfall.

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The humping clown is back.

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Carly: “I threw up not just from the pepper.”

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Back in Paradise…

Twin Emily is trying to pursue Jared.

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For instance we both have favorite numbers and favorite colors.

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It’s hard for me to come up with my favorite number when I’m inspecting the canopy of this bed so hard?

Twin Emily calls him smart. Then she uses a bug attacking her as an excuse to cuddle.

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Twin Emily asks Jared what he’s thinking about.

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Josh and Vile Nick Viall finally have it out.

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He handles everything except my Gold Medal Dick. Only Amanda handles that.

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Josh and Amanda start blatantly making out in front of Vile Nick Viall. Amanda meanwhile has yet to say a single thing to Nick about bouncing from Andi’s #2 man to Andi’s #1 man.

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There’s lion. There’s sheep. There’s crab. There’s my dog that I definitely didn’t make up.

Tag: The Twins grope Damn Daniel.

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Like a leather couch squeezing your tittays

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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