This week’s tweets are full of useless information.
“You’re almost 22, you should have learned about taxes in high school.”— Logan (@LJD31) October 17, 2017
First of all, the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Science is the study of how some politicians don't think it be like this but it do— Caitlin (@caithuls) October 5, 2017
Making a list in Word— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) October 18, 2017
1. Word plz make me a list
2. No wait what are you d
2. 2. wtf is this
c. no this isn't what
The older you get, the more you realize the movie 'Groundhog Day' is actually a documentary— Tim has issues (@LaptopShopWH) October 1, 2017
I swear to me, I must have a God complex.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) October 15, 2017
I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn water into coffee and honestly that's much more useful.— Tinker Elle (@elle91) October 16, 2017
i've got a GIRLFRIEND— rico (@internetrico) June 14, 2017
My wife and I have one of those couches that opens up, and then turns into my bed.— SlappNuttz (@SlappNuttz) October 9, 2017
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 11, 2017
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he's seen the remote
[wife about to ask me to keep my halloween costume simple this year] hey— brent (@murrman5) October 14, 2017
[me about to tell her I wanna dress up as despacito] whats up?
[inventing wedding dresses]— mad died (@whatmaddness) October 17, 2017
a massive skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.— Donna Macabre (@Donna_McCoy) March 2, 2017
My Ouija board answers faster than some people text me back so yeah I still prefer ghosts— Alex Dimitrov (@alexdimitrov) September 29, 2017
You (uneducated, crass): people are so full of themselves— Rads the Good Witch (@FeelingEuphoric) July 31, 2017
Me (beautiful, witty, intelligent, infallible, humble, generous, breathtaking, pe
Interviewer: Any special skills?— Alien Chucky (@ClichedOut) October 17, 2017
Liam Neeson: I have a very particular set of skills.
I: Besides generalizing, I mean.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: Infinity pool? “Optical illusion” pool would be more accurate— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) October 19, 2017
His friend: Are you really gonna keep your shirt on??
If someone else writes the life story of Lightning McQueen is it still an auto biography?— Pumpkin Spiceotope (@BuckyIsotope) October 11, 2017
[neil degrasse tyson at a Train concert]— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 9, 2017
JUPITER IS A GAS GIANT YOU CAN'T HAVE DROPS OF IT
[fighting off security]
MORE LIKE DROPS OF STUPIDER
[Boiling in a pot]— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 13, 2017
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I'm cold
I named my sons Coke & Pepsi so if the cops ever call and say "Sir I have bad news about Coke" I can say "is Pepsi ok?" and we'll all laugh— Spooky Nutritionist (@SortaBad) October 13, 2017
The best stone/bird kill ratio was prolly the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) October 14, 2017
You can't begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic— Dropped Mike (@rebrafsim) March 8, 2017
I hope we get at least one trick-or-treater this Halloween so I can finally get rid of this treadmill.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 12, 2017
Cashier: That'll be $3.— Brandom (@BCMontgo) August 27, 2017
Me: *hands card*
Cashier: Sorry, we don't accept American Express.
Me: *slips ten dollars* How about now? *winks*
Went to pay for my coffee with my debit card and the barista said, “Chip in please.” I said, “I’m paying for the whole thing!” We high-fived— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 29, 2017
Men: Sexual consent is confusing sometimes— Julia Shiplett (@lertiene) October 12, 2017
Women: I've apologized to a cardboard cutout after bumping into it
last year i was miserable and depressed but this year i turned that shit around now i'm depressed and miserable— cesar (@lordcesarr) October 18, 2017