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Published August 07, 2013 More Info »
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Published August 07, 2013

An open letter to King dot com the producers of Candy Crush Saga.

Dear Sirs. I am a player of Candy crush saga, just like millions of others around the world, and I enjoy it, much like millions around the world. I am presumptuous in this letter by saying that I speak for many if not most of them, but I do so anyway. I hope you will consider this letter in the vein it is intended so here we go.

Would you people please for the love of mike just give us one freakin diagonal move, just one, every now and then! I cannot even truly express how unbelievably frustrating it is to have what would surely be the winning combo of a stripy one and a spotty ball sitting corner to corner from each, knowing that if I could just put them together the screen would become an explosion and I could actually clear the danged board I have been stuck on since Reagan was in office! I know people who refer to your little game as Sucrose Balls of Evil for cryin out loud! But you say, Good Sir, We even give you hints in the form of gently blinking combinations that will help you when you are stuck for a move. I know this, but as I have played, I have come to think that even with your blinking hints, you do not have my best interests at heart. Yes, they will make a combo but they will only clear three when I really need a hint that will clear 27! I have come to hate jelly so much that I won’t even buy peanut butter anymore!

And really, overall could you just stop doing these things altogether? I mean myself and millions of others USED to be productive members of society! Reading, writing, enjoying family time, talking, doing work while we are paid to be doing work…Not now, not anymore Nay Nay Nay! Now we all sit around clicking and clicking hoping to get the weird satisfaction of hearing a disembodied voice say Tasty or Divine! Oh yes…divine! Now we hide in cubicles and hope no one sees us playing! We used talk to people and even go places. Yes we still go places but we never see them or the people there because we are all staring at our phones or tablets clicking away! And then there are the requests! Oh lord at the requests, Please send me another life, Please send me permission to get to the next level PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! You don’t have to play, you say! HA, yes we do! If I’m not playing I’m thinking about playing, I dream of combos! The other day I saw two fat guys both wearing red sweaters and I wanted to run up to them and bang them together to see if I could get one stripy red one!  But they might have exploded and I reconsidered.

So in conclusion….

We really like your game and truly appreciate your efforts to entertain us, Thank you. But really, just stop, ok? Just stop. Now if you will excuse me I need to take a break and relax. Maybe Ill just play one quick game….

Sincerely,

Candy Crush Player 1 million and 3. Thank you

 

Audio Version of this letter can be found here!

http://jasonforbis.yolasite.com/enigma-audio-productions.php

 

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