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January 09, 2012

Unless you're a fat teenager or depressed divorcee you're probably sick of eating the garbage that passes for "meat" at the fast food joints. But try to find a decent veggie burger that doesn't look and taste like pressed vomit is next to impossible. Honestly, we can put a man on the moon and have laser eye surgery but we I still gotta have sprouts in a burger?!


ronald mcdonald and the jolly green giant with their respective crap.Unless you’re a fat teenager or depressed divorcee you’re probably sick of eating the garbage that passes for “meat” at the fast food joints. This is why veggie “burgers” are such a growing industry. Well, growing only in the petri-dish sense, not economically because so many have fallen off the menus.

Why haven’t the fast food joints ever figured this out? Back in the ’90s they tried all sorts of non-meat options but they all had the same flaw. They assumed that anyone who wants to eat a veggie-burger must be an anorexic yoga teacher so they tried to force-feed us a monstrosity served on a hard, dry whole-wheat bun with low-fat mayo, no cheese and piles of cold, wet, wilting veggies. Tastes like shit.

Here’s the golden rule: if any food is going to pass through my mouth, down the gullet, and into my gut and have me excrete the remnants later on, it’s gotta be worth the effort. In other words, my body is doing a bunch of work to handle the processing and transportation of said food. As a reward my brain will allow my hands to only grab certain good foods. It’s like a social contract between companies and workers, only this is between my body and brain: body does the work for brain (eating, digesting, and so on), and in return brain pays body (vitamins, minerals, sugar, carbs, proteins, yada yada yada) but if brain tries to screw body by dangling, say, the carrot (pun intended) before us of a shorter work week only for body to find out later on that the devious brain is secretly plotting to send work to an outsourcing arm, then the body will react accordingly and shut down the security shield (in this case the immune system) allowing evil cancerous cells and ugly transfats to run free. It’s payback, pure and simple.

But let’s get to the point: why can’t those crap-food joint just replace the meat patty with a veggie patty but keep all the flavourful extras the way they are? That way a Big Mac would be just as sloppy but you wouldn’t be eating diseased cow flesh. And a Whopper would still be overloaded with ketchup and mayo but you wouldn’t have to eat any cow eyeballs and knees cartilage.

Honestly, it shouldn’t be that difficult to have a tasty veggie burger that does not have gay sprouts! If the pizza companies can squirt soft cheese into the crust of pizzas (because evidently there’s a surging demand from pizza lovers to do something once and for all about that wasted space that is the crust of a pizza!),  and if food companies actually have something called a ‘flavour enhancer’ on the list of ingredients, then surely a decent veggie burger can’t outwit the brainiacs who thought up cheeseburger in a can (Yes, it exists … incidentally so do the Kardashians so there’s two reasons proving God does not exist).