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June 29, 2016
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If we can be real for a sec, right from the start we knew that this thing was gonna need to be updated.

Hey guys. This is the Founding Fathers just dropping by with your annual reminder that the original United States Constitution was okay with slavery.

Sure, we got a few things right. The Preamble is pretty tight. “Secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity?” That’s damn poetry.

It’s kind of nuts, but it seems like you guys forget about this a lot–especially when arguing the unassailable wisdom of our document. We were a bunch of boozehounds and horndogs who shat into holes in the ground. It could do with a little tweaking here and there.

We were actually kinda scared for a little bit that people would condemn us as being on the wrong side of history. We were founding a whole new country so we totally had the option to completely throw out the whole slavery thing and start fresh. But we didn’t. True, we didn’t explicitly write “slavery is cool,” but we didn’t explicitly prohibit it, either. You see, some of us owned slaves. And some of us had kids with those slaves. So in a weird way, we denied fundamental human rights to our own children. That’s savage AF.

You know we had a whole other governing document for a while (shout out to the Articles of Confederation) but we threw it out because we realized it was complete trash. That is not the move of people who one hundred percent knew what they were doing.

That’s why we’re baffled that people get so dang worked up about the sanctity of the Constitution. I mean, have you guys checked out Article 5? It enumerates the process of amending the constitution. So right from the start, we were certain of the fact that this thing would need to be updated. Updated and, dare we say, corrected. Which you seemed to be able to do a dozen times before you even got to slavery.

Anyway, we just wanted to stop by and say what’s up, and also, stop acting like everything in that document is immutable and perfect. You changed it twice because you wanted to get rid of booze. Booze. I can think of a few things that are more dangerous than booze. The main one starts with semi and ends with automatic weapons. I mean one of us died cuz we got capped, for Christ’s sake.

Look, this is embarrassing to admit now, but the main reason we wanted to hold onto our guns was to make sure we didn’t have a slave revolt on our hands. Remember how we wrote the constitution in such a way as to continue the practice of human slavery?

Anyway, this has been your founding fathers with the annual reminder: the constitution we wrote was originally okay with slavery so maybe y'all should be okay with revising our shit.

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