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Published October 23, 2008

Gay marriage has been legal in California since June of this year. That means we have already had the unfortunate benefit of experiencing its predicted erosion of the sanctity of real marriage. Make no mistake, it has wreaked havoc. Just knowing that gays are marrying has ruined my husband's ability to achieve an erection. Yes, this does date back to before June of this year, but since June of this year, it is all about that. And let me assure you, as he has assured me, this has nothing to do with my weight problem, or my refusal to let the devil into our bed by talking dirty, changing position, or moving. 

Are gays shallow enough to think that just because they can get married, they will get married? They apparently do not understand the sanctity of begging, pleading, waiting, begging, pleading, threatening to tell his wife, attempting suicide, and finally getting pregnant to at last lead your mate toward that most hallowed and blessed ground, the Las Vegas wedding chapel. No, gay people, Elvis is not a Halloween costume. He is a legally licensed joiner of souls in the great state of Nevada. What can gays ever know about your family's joy in knowing that at last, yes, your children are going to have a father. 

Marriage takes work and practice, and that is why gays will never get it right. How can they hope to compete with the knowledge earned by doing? With the expertise gained by Rush Limbaugh and his three sacred marriages? Newt Gingrich and his two sacred marriages? Ronald Reagan, John McCain, Prince Charles, Rudy Giuliani, all pillars of society and all married over and over to hone the sanctity and commitment necessary to maintain the bedrock of a society, marriage between a man and several women. Nowhere does the Bible say marriage is between a man and a man trapped in a woman's body. And as long as the President of the United States is sworn in with his hand on a Bible instead of on the Constitution, then we must make sure the Bible protects the Constitution. Besides, Billy Bob Thornton, Elizabeth Taylor, and Angelina Jolie took up sixteen marriages between them. We don't have any extra.

Gays getting married will also ruin our economy. You can be sure you will never see a persimmon colored cap-sleeved crepe bridesmaids dress at a gay wedding. An entire industry will be put out of business overnight. 

Gay marriage will make a mockery of real marriage. Everybody knows gays are promiscuous, uncommitted, multiple-partner-having people. They are not like us. We believe that people should be married and settle down. 

And lastly, and perhaps most destructive of all, gays being married will tacitly send the message that fellatio is an accepted part of marriage. What could be more ridiculous?

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