Hello Gays/Ladies/Open-Minded Str8 Boys!

Ru Paul’s Drag Race is back with a Season 9 Premiere to GaGag over. I’d warn you that this recap has spoilers but, like, this episode didn’t really give much to spoil. (In a mostly fun way!)

1. Ru’s Drag Look

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 1.21.01 PM.png

Ru’s drag fee musta gone up post-Emmy as the only lady look we get from her in this ep is from her wax figurine. But still: slay!

2. The First Workroom Entrance

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 2.01.38 PM.png

You can tell a lot about a queen by what they choose to do with an empty workroom. Peppermint opts to lean back against a table like she’s under a waterfall only she can see and I think it bodes very well for her spirit. Get it girl, live, etc!

3. Valentina Is Our Newbie

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 1.39.49 PM.png

I’m also always v intrigued by the boy looks the queens choose for their confessionals. This is the ONE get-up we will see from you all season and it really informs your character. Valentina has a beret cocked so far to the side it’s gotta be pinned in. She could be the model on the front of the Party City ‘Beatnik’ costume. She calls LA the center of the universe then 3 minutes later reveals she’s only done drag for 10 months and it’s like, okay now I have better context for that other thing you said. She’s young and maybe dumb and her looks are fab and I’m into it.

4. Sasha Velour Just Screams For Like A Full Minute

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 2.10.39 PM.png

Sasha Velour opts to enter and screech like Judi Dench crying as Lady Macbeth (honestly, YouTube it). This kinda shit is why I love this show. Is this even television? No clue. Again, I love.

5. Is This An Amy Sedaris Character?

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 1.41.02 PM.png

We may never know. Godbless you, Trinity Taylor!

6. Jaymes Mansfield Gets A Shady Edit

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 2.23.53 PM.png

Because you know like half of these queens came in muttering their catch phrase a half dozen times while they try to find the camera, but Drag Race made SURE we saw this one. Jaymes seems insane and I’m excited to see her story unfold. This look is serving you Lil Poundcake + Another Lil Poundcake realness.

7. I would have sex with Ronnie

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 2.27.39 PM.png

Lady Gaga giving you Rutgers twink glamour! Would bone! I am slime!

8. And we have our first cry!

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 2.30.57 PM.png

Clock it! Twelve minutes in and we have our first cry. This has to be a record. But no doy, because when ‘Drag Queen Who Looks Like Lady Gaga’ turns out to be ‘Lady Gaga (Who Looks Like A Drag Queen)’, the girls all lose it and the tears flow. Eureka is featured cryer for this segment and, while we’re on it, I must mention that she’s my favorite. I’m hungry for a big girl to win. Let this acknowledgment of my bias color your readings of all my future recaps, but I putting my chips on Eureka!

9. The Challenge

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 2.35.38 PM.png

Ru reveals there will be no one going home, which is a nice idea on the face, as I like to get to know the girls, but no Lip Sync For Your Life is a steep price. For the future, I would advise a double episode for the premiere. (Sum1 plz fwd 2 Ru).

The girls are given what’s basically a 5th grade social studies project of a challenge (tell us about your city! dress up like a famous figure!), but it could be a fun way to meet the gals.

10. Miss CUNT

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 2.39.30 PM.png

Now we have a pageant inside of what is basically a 12-week pageant, so things are getting a little snake-eating-it’s-tail, but Gaga’s got jokes and a lot of walks down memory lane, so it’s still a good time. Now’s the part where I should recap all the looks, but honesty, there’s one that we simply must spend most our time on:

11. OMG this Nina look is incredible/insane/terrifying/incredible again

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 2.46.32 PM.png

Again I must ask: is this really television? No clue. I love it. This is truly an insane look. It’s like when the Today Show did the Peanuts, but with a lot more attitude and somewhat less nightmarish. Nina knows her brand: she comes out slapping her titties and shaking her ass whether she’s looking like Minnie Mouse or Lady Gaga or some sort of terrible chemical accident at the peach factory. Thumbs up all around.

12. Our Top Three

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 2.52.00 PM.png

Our top three is Eureka, Sasha and Nina and I can’t say I disagree, though I’d also give some points to Valentina/Shea for their hometown looks and Charlie/Alexis/Trinity/Aja/also Shea for their Gaga glam. Nina wins and it seems this has been an episode that was high on fun looks but low on drama. UNTIL:

13. She’s Baaaaaaaack!

Screen Shot 2017-03-25 at 3.01.16 PM.png

Now HERE’S that shit they love to do! Ru caught you sleeping on this premiere like they weren’t gonna feed you something juicy! Girl, look how orange you fucking look, girl!
I have an idea on who it is, but I ain’t telling. (JK you can slide up in my DMs for it). Tune in next week and we’ll gab some more about the best show on television that isn’t Veep. Baiiii!