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July 09, 2012

State of the Week: The tedium is the message.


(Silicon Valley) – In the wake of a disappointing turn on Wall Street, Mark Zuckerberg came out swinging with what promises to be the most popular facebook app ever: drunk message filters for drunken users. Zuckerberg presented the new facebook application personally at a conference in Silicon Valley.

“ Facebook is the online embodiment of human communication,“ said Zuckerberg “And God knows we’ve all sent some stupid messages that we shouldn’t have when we were loaded. I’m no exception. FB DrunkFilter will absolutely decrease personal embarrassment on long, lonely nights. Around the office we like to call it “ShitfaceBook.”

DrunkFilter automatically cross-references several specific factors that suggest when a user is intoxicated and sending messages they may later regret. Criteria include spelling errors, repeated use of the word “love”, song lyrics and late-night time of posting.

For example, a message like this, sent at 3:00 am


Would be automatically flagged. The drunken user would see this message:


And the original intoxicated message would be replaced with a sober, coherent and entirely platonic message that is then sent to the recipient:


Apple has jumped into the drunk user ring with Apple Beergoggles, an iPhone app that warns users against going home with someone they really, really shouldn’t. But its release is at least 6 months away.

Said Zuckerberg “At Facebook, we’re always looking for innovative ways to help users stay connected, but sometimes they probably shouldn’t be connecting until they’ve sobered up. We’re just trying to be that sober, rational friend they don’t have.”

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