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July 11, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Speaking at an immigration conference, Joe Biden said Mitt Romney "wants you to show your papers, but he won’t show us his." And if there's one thing Biden hates, it's a disappointing game of show and tell.

Physics students in England discovered that Batman could not survive the landing if he tried gliding with his cape. That's English physicists: "Who cares about finding new particles, let's talk comic books."

The New York City Taxi Panel will hold a vote on a 17 percent rise in fares. The vote will go quickly only if you don't have to be anywhere.

An Indiana law that would have stopped women from using Medicaid at Planned Parenthood was declared illegal. Sending a clear message: Low-income women deserve to have their breasts squeezed by a vice-like machine as anyone else.

On Monday, ABC launched their new talk show/news program "Good Afternoon America." Or as I know it, "Good Morning America."

A new study refutes any link between depression and using Facebook. The confusion being that you only appear sadder if you're on Facebook.

Brooklyn is now home to a startup company that builds inexpensive spacesuits. Each spacesuit features enhanced flexibility, thin yet effective insulation, and a place where you can store your American Spirits. Or: The makers say their suit will be perfect for frequent trips to both space and flea markets. Or: They're placing particular emphasis on hand mobility to make easier to chain up your fixed speed space bicycle.

A man accused of trying to bomb Washington, D.C., with model airplanes will reportedly plead guilty. Experts say he faces at least 20 years in a tiny yet accurate prison.

Researchers say products containing cranberries may help prevent urinary tract infections. "She's not going to listen to you," said Snooki's vagina with an audible sigh.

The producers of "The Social Network" are set to produce the film adaption of "Fifty Shades of Grey." Said the producers, "You know what's cooler than a million dollars?...Female-friendly erotica."