DONALD TRUMP THROWS LIVE CHAINSAW INTO AUDIENCE, POPULARITY SURGES
Presidential candidate Donald Trump tossed a live chainsaw into his audience at a rally in Missouri. The out-of-control power tool killed several spectators and critically injured twenty more. The gory spectacle whipped the crowd into a howling frenzy of applause. As the news spread about the bloody incident, Mr. Trump’s popularity surged.
“I’m a winner,” declared the GOP frontrunner. “So I maimed a few fans today. And they loved it. Suck on that, liberals!”
“I was in the front row”, said a blood-spattered Trump supporter, “The chainsaw took my right arm clean off. But I’ll still vote for him with my left!” He nicknamed his missing arm his “Trump-stump”.
In fact, Mr. Trump’s poll numbers spiked the next day. Thousands of Trump supporters brought their own chainsaws to a rally in Arizona in a show of solidarity. There were no protesters in sight.
“We need a president who isn’t afraid to throw live chainsaws around,” explained angry white voter Hank Shithorn. “The world will fear us, and America will kick ass once again.”
“This will destroy our democracy,” said Jennifer Grantham of Peace Watch. “We need a statesman, not a strongman. Trump has simply got to go!”
Donald Trump sued Jennifer Grantham for defamation of character, and won. “Fuck with me, and I’ll win!” he said confidently. The next day, an angry mob of chainsaw wielding fans leveled the Peace Watch headquarters. They were exonerated of any wrong doing, citing suppression of their First Amendment rights as their defense.
“Trump’s my boy!” exclaimed Willard Gock, recovering from multiple wounds after Mr. Trump released a hundred porcupines into an adoring crowd in Alabama.
“We’re not going to let a bunch of flaccid peace-loving losers bring America down!” said Trump to a stadium full of cheering supporters. He then dropped his trousers and flashed his junk at them, before spraying the entire audience with gasoline and lighting them on fire. They chanted his name in unison as they burned.
The next day, his poll numbers soared past 105%. The remaining candidates from both parties dropped out of the race, and Trump declared absolute victory. “I’m the winner,” said the cocksure reality star as he moved into the White House. “Got a problem with that? Move to fuckin’ Canada!”
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