The first trailer for the movie Pixels was released this week, a film in which humongous, killer versions of classic video game characters such as Pac-Man and Donkey Kong are sent to Earth by aliens to fight Adam Sandler and Kevin James for some reason. But the plot is not really what’s important; what’s important is what this movie trailer truly symbolizes—that it’s time we as a nation call it a day.
Let’s pack it in, guys. Show’s over.
In a lot of ways, we had a good run. We became the world’s greatest superpower and the wealthiest civilization in human history; we invented the Cheesy Gordita Crunch Wrap; we entered World War II and helped defeat the greatest evil this planet has ever seen, and also the Nazis.
And we definitely made our mistakes, too. The Vietnam War, of course; wiping out the vast majority of Native Americans; the Cheesy Gordita Crunch Wrap; Pennsylvania.
Slavery was certainly a misstep.
But our foibles notwithstanding, we managed to weather the mightiest of storms and emerge stronger than ever before. Until now, that is. The Pixels trailer is the very clear dénouement of the United States of America, and after 239 years as a sovereign nation, this is where we should sign off.
Again, it’s important to realize that it’s not even the film itself, but rather the fact that Pixels is the distilled essence of our decades-long slide into feculent mediocrity. Obviously, dozens of equally offensive movies and trailers are released every year. But in terms of its timing, its complete lack of tonal coherence, it completely eschewing anything culturally redeemable, and its sheer contempt for human intelligence, the trailer for Pixels has reached the nadir of cynically spoon-feeding the currently dominant generation its own empty nostalgia to generate profit in a hateful capitalist orgy in which there will be no winners. Don’t you see? The trailer for Pixels IS America. And this is as bad as it gets, folks.
All of this also just serves to underscore the fact that our worthless nation doesn’t produce anything anymore, except for more inexplicable, high-profile opportunities for the unbelievably irritating Josh Gad to be crammed down our throats. In short, the trailer for Pixels sends a very, very clear message: end America now while we can still possibly escape with a infinitesimal shred of dignity.
But now that the country is over, where will we go? Maybe Canada is looking for 320 million entitled, overweight loudmouths to pad out their nation. Or maybe we should just walk en masse into the ocean. It doesn’t matter, really, just so long as we agree that America is over forever and that the trailer for Pixels is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Of course, we may as well wait until after Pixels comes out in July to see what all the fuss about.