1) Am I Watching The Right Show?
Weird music choice, you guys! Blind fans of this show were probably super confused last night (as I’m sure they are every episode), it definitely didn’t sound like the show we all know and tolerate. Wait up, Carol! This zombie wants to join you on your foraging quest.
Is there a way to kill these things that doesn’t result in a geyser of blood all over your new white shirt? Oh, well. Great opportunity to resurrect everyone’s favorite Carol outfit!
YES! Carol Outfit is back and Carol Outfit is definitely my favorite recurring character. Now she comes with new gun and tupperware cookie accessories! Gee, Carol, thank you so much for these delicious cookies made of beets and forest rocks. The positive reviews are in no way influenced by the firearm you’re brandishing. And here comes Morgan out of nowhere to be a pain in the ass. That’s kind of his thing these days!
BOOOOOO, MORGAN! We used to like you and now we don’t like you. You suck now! Time for Carol to pour a cookie out one time for her little dead homie.
First of all, Sam has a spotty history when it comes to finishing cookies. Think you wasted yet another one on him. Second, leaving the worst cookie ever baked on his grave doesn’t make up for the fact that you got him killed with your scary stories and lowkey death threats. Journal about it, Carol. Seriously just go journal about it.
2) The Church Of Murder-day Grimes
“We got some things. Some stuff. BUT THEY’RE NOT JUST GOING TO GIVE US STUFF AND THINGS AND EXPECT NO THINGS AND NO STUFF IN RETURN. That’s why we need to sneak up on a group of strangers and slaughter them in their sleep.” Great speech, Rick. Really powerful stuff, definitely necessary and appropriate to call the itty bitty murder committee meeting in the church. Hmm, I wonder if anybody will object?
CRAM IT, MORGAN! We get it, everyone fucking gets it, now you need to understand that you’re wrong and also people are over your bullshit. You realize the fans hate you more than Carl now, right? Congratulations, didn’t think such a thing was possible.
3) Everybody’s Getting Laid
Look at how cute these two are already. Sharing a cigarette and wearing matching outfits, it’s like they’re at a rave. You get a love interest plot! And you get a love interest plot! And YOU get a love interest plot! Everyone is shacking up these days and I’m surprised it took this long. You would think that would be the first order of business. “Welcome to the Alexandria Safe Zone. Food is over there. Weapons over yonder. That’s our fuck pile, it’s just a pile of everyone fucking everyone, kicks off around 10am then we break for lunch at 1:30pm and sort of feel it out from there based on energy and enthusiasm until dinner.”
4) Smoothest Breakup Ever
Glad to see breakups are still the worst even in the zombie apocalypse. Can we take a moment to appreciate that the phrase, “Why are dingleberries brown? It’s just the way shit is,” is maybe the only Abraham-ism that makes total literal and metaphorical sense? And I fully appreciate cauterizing an emotional wound but I don’t think you needed to be that harsh, Abe! This is a pretty small town; you guys can’t exactly just decide to go to different lunch spots to avoid each other. Also, come to think of it, most of the relationships I’ve entered into as an adult have boiled down to “When I first met you, I thought you were the last woman on earth. You’re not,” except add the words “not crazy” before woman and change “on earth” to “in Los Angeles.” Just kidding, the only thing in common with all my failed relationships is me! What a fun and easy pill to swallow.
5) Eugene (Still) Likes To Watch
Eugene isn’t a fair-weather fan that only likes to watch his team win championships. He’s in it for the ups and down, the good and the bad, the silent midnight sex and the uncomfortable evening breakup. And that shirt. Your shirt, Eugene! It’s like he heard the breakup happening, thought, “I’ve got just the thing for this!” then ran to put on this shirt and also got a cookie because he worked up an appetite in the process. Rosita & Abe was Eugene’s favorite show, it’s nice he got to see the series finale.
6) That Plate Isn’t Fooling Anyone
That plate isn’t fooling anyone. I know the actress playing Tara is pregnant. I wonder what conveniently placed object will show up next? Hey, look! Tara is carrying around a beach ball she found on the supply run! There goes Tara again, inexplicably standing behind a Volkswagen camper bus wearing three sweatshirts when it’s 82 degrees outside! What a kook, she’s so darn kooky.
7) Rick Grimes: Fashion Police + Head Boxing Champion
Did Rick Grimes really just ask Father Gabriel why he’s still wearing that outfit? Rick, you wore a sheriff’s uniform until it disintegrated off of your body and your boy won’t take off that dumb hat. You know what? Let’s put a pin in that thought, Rick needs to punch the shit out of a severed head.
Rick. You are just way too comfortable with all of this. Can you at least act like this isn’t second nature to you and a thing you do all the time? You’re like a girl who can put a condom on only using her mouth. Good for you, I guess, but you’re freaking me out with how quickly you’re able to do that.
8) Who Is This Guy Again?
Who is this guy again? He keeps showing up once every 1.5 episodes for 10 seconds. I think this is the first time they gave him more than three words to say. Jeep? I think his name is Jeep, I’m gonna call him Jeep. I like how they just think that Jeep’s distinctive haircut and also he’s not white is character development. So developed! I predicted his hair would keep him alive last season, because that’s how this absurd show works. Does it hurt to be right all the time? Yes. Yes it does. Except it doesn’t hurt at all, it feels fantastic.
9) Bloody Sunday
This was one of the most intense sequences I’ve ever seen on this show and I liked it a lot! It was fun. Fun watching the gang go around silently stabbing people in the brain while they slept. They’ve really come a long way from, “How many walkers have you killed? How many humans?” Now it’s just “Brain meet knife, think you two will get along great.” But was anyone else surprised none of the gang got caught up in some friendly fire? Because for a minute there everyone was just running down halls shooting their machine guns and apparently hoping for best.
These two really are lucky! And you almost feel bad for Negan’s gang until Glenn sees their wall of bludgeoning fame.
…And they’ve got a room full of weed?!?
AYYYYYYY! YOU GUYS! That’s a ROOM FULL OF WEED, you guys. I think you blew it not talking to these psychos first, they seem pretty chill! Super chill dudes who like to get really stoned and then bash some heads in. Wait, scratch that, you made the right call.
10) Gabby’s Got A Gun
Father Gabriel is really stepping it up this season. Reciting Bible verses before shooting someone, that’s so badass and original. Wait. This actually feels a little familiar. Feels like I know it from somewhere.
Oh, that’s right! Pulp Fiction. One of the most famous scenes in the past two decades of cinema, this show should do stuff from Pulp Fiction more often, it’s a much better piece of intellectual property. Wait. But don’t I ALSO recognize this from somewhere else?
That’s right, Boondock Saints! The movie starring one of the guys from this show. They should do some stuff from Fight Club next week! Go for the holy trinity of ripping off movie posters that are legally required to be in 75% of all male freshman college dorm rooms. Amen.
11) Let’s Talk About Things Calmly And Peacefully Now That We Violently Murdered All Your Men
Music worked so terribly over the intro, let’s do it again for the outro! Did you guys ever see a show called Sons Of Anarchy? Because Sons Of Anarchy used to end pretty much every episode with this musical check-in montage and they did it a lot better. You should really watch that show instead of this one. They also have motorcycles. Speaking of!
Daryl’s bike is back! Yes! I forgot he lost it, but I guess he did and now it’s back. Cool! And it looks like the gang’s got company.
“Ricky G here, mic check one two one two. We are ready to talk calmly and peacefully now that we just killed an entire building full of your people. Oh, you’ve got a Carol and a Maggie? Shoot. Would you be interested in trading them for a Morgan and three nameless Alexandrians who are always in the background with half their faces out of frame?“ Hmm, Rick. I’m starting to think that maybe this wasn’t Negan’s HQ. It’s almost like you guys hit a SATELLITE BASE GOD DAMMIT HOW DID WE NOT SEE THAT COMING I HATE THE WRITERS ON THIS SHOW AND ALSO MYSELF SOMETIMES. Tune in next week! Will Rick’s leadership prove to have serious repercussions? Probably not. They’ll probably all just laugh about it over some zombie frozen yogurt. Is a major character going to die? No way. Not a chance. I heard Glenn and Abraham just signed on for the next 35 seasons. Am I watching the OJ Simpson show on FX? YES! IT IS SO GOOD! IT IS BETTER THAN THIS SHOW! I’m going to start writing a recap of it this week, shamelessly future-plugging it now! None of this and more on S06E13 of The Walking Dead!