D.C. voted to legalize recreational marijuana use during the 2014 midterm elections

What up, dudes, if ur reading this article it’s cuz you r a politician and u heard weed just got made legal in DC. Niiice. So ur asking “Where can I get blazed in between gettin’ my wallet soaked with cash from them lobbyist hookers?” Dope question, bro. These are the best spots to get high in the nation’s capital:

Jefferson Memorial At Night


Look at all those shadows to duck into and blaze up in.

It’s common knowledge that Thomas Jefferson got high with his slaves, so what better place to toke up and chill than his memorial. For those nights when you’re wondering if you’re starting to compromise your morals too much, head on over to old Jefferson and console yourself with the justification that, if the founding fathers were alive today, they probably would have sold out too.

The Hirshhorn Sculpture Garden


Bro, get high and just look at the details on those hands. Those hands, bro.

Wanna get lit and stare into the faces of integrity? Get high no further than Rodin’s famous sculpture The Burghers of Calais at the Hirshhorn Sculpture Garden. Depicting the moment before six leaders of the city of Calais marched to their death to save the rest of their people, this art piece is dope as fuck. Nothing beats sparking a J and imagining that you too would do something like that for your constituents, even as you slowly realize your real constituents are the money men that will help you dupe those you represent into keeping you in office as you advance your own career.

Highway Overpass By The Fish Market


Fish market? More like Phish park it (park your car, get high, listen to Phish).

Hey, congressman, wanna get ripped and then look into the dead eyes of some busted fish? Siiiick. Well, here is the place to do it. Getting high is a lot of fun because it helps us run from our problems. Problems like realizing you alone will not be able to do anything in Congress until you have seniority and you won’t get seniority until you have been around for a while and you won’t be around for a while unless you play ball with your party leadership and you can’t play ball with them unless you compromise the ideals you entered Washington with. But you can always get blitzed and remember there are some dead fish out there who have it way worse than you. Do that here.

The Alleyways Of U Street


Being high is like chilling in the alleyway of the mind.

So, hey, what about when you are about to meet an old friend or constituent for drinks around U Street but you are going to have to lie right to their face? Getting high can take the edge off deceit. Duck into one of the area’s historic alleyways for some “smoke-based courage.” Plus, the murals are chill to gaze at while your mind rises above the human need to tell the truth.

The Capital Crescent Trail


Green spaces for green spacing.

No longer you anymore? Get high and enjoy being a human husk in the beauty of the Capital Crescent Trail. Baking your brain has long ago stopped being fun and is now a coping mechanism. Politics has done to your soul what humans have done to nature for thousands of years: cut it down into safe, manageable, and profitable slices. Cool thought, right? Perfect for pondering on the trail at 4:20 a.m. when you can’t sleep because of what you have become.

The White House


Look at this bullshit. It’s a HOUSE. The President lives in THIS HOUSE. THAT’S FUCKING WEIRD!!

Fuck it, man, smoke wherever the fuck at this point the whole place is bullshit anyway fuck this.