So Mel Gibson is making a movie about Jewish warrior Judah Maccabee. Cool. Very good idea and not at all disrespectful. I'll look forward to this and the upcoming sequel Michelle Bachmann directs about Harvey Milk. Very cool ideas, Hollywood.
With Gibson slapping everyone in the face with this announcement, it's easy to forget that this will be a real thing in real movie theaters that real people can see. This isn't just some news story that we read one day and forget about. Mel Gibson is making a movie about Jews and it will be in theaters alongside films like "Ben Stiller Gets Flustered: The Squeekquel" and "Drew Barrymore Plays a 28 Year Old." So the question is "What will this future Oscar winner be called and what will it be about?????"
Given what we know about Gibson, here are 5 likely titles and plots:
"Jew Her? I Hardly Knew Her"
A screwball comedy that documents the romantic escapades of Judah Maccabee, who has earned a reputation as a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, serial dater around Jerusalem. There's only one dame who can teach him about love, life, and conserving oil for Hannukah. But she just happens to the be daughter of Antiochus IV Epiphanes, oppressive ruler of Seleucid. Comedy ensues, and the story of Jewish triumph is eschewed for montage sequences of Judah attempting to win over her father. In the tone of "What Women Want," just Jewy-er.
"Mel Gibson Gives Everyone the Middle Finger"
Two hours of Mel Gibson staring at the camera and flipping it off. Occasionally he takes breaks to say stuff like "Give me back my son" and call specific Jews in the media "Sugar Tits." This is what we in the business call "Oscar Bait."
"Judah Maccabee and The Proof That Jews Are Responsible All the Wars in the World"
Gibson plays it close to home here, using his patented technique of attempting to make Jews look bad on film. Jesus costars as a time-traveling soldier sent back to lead them to victory and in a the final scene, inform them that all future middle-east conflict will be "on them."
Mel's ode the pubic hair of Jewish women. Starring Robin Williams as the voice of the pubic hair.
"Mad Maccabee Beyond Jerusalem"
Will be a straight up remake of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. But while Mad Max was reputed as a formidable fighter, Mad Mac not only knows where find the best deals on weapons at the outlets outside of Jerusalem, he's deft at telling everyone he knows about the deals he got for the next few weeks. Starring Jeff Goldblum and Tina Turner.
There you have it. I'll leave you with this.