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December 24, 2008
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If I could tell anyone off it would be bank CEOs. Here’s what I’d say:

Hey money-grubbing bastards. Yes, all of you paid $100,000 for an umbrella stand. I’m talking to you.

At what point did you go from, “I’m going to make this company a success,” to “Fuck y’all, I’m getting mine”?

Where did you get your business degree? The Tony Soprano School of Ethics?

Your first words as a child must have been: More, more, more.

You run a company into the ground and walk away with millions as a bonus.

A bonus? For what?

Only in Corporate America do you get rewarded for being king of the dipshits.

“Well Tom, our company stock is in the tank, our workers have lost their pensions ... How can we ever thank you? Will $20 million just about do it?”

What kind of an ass-backward planet are you from?

Oh, and a word to the wise, all the mansions, cars and silicone women in the world will not make your penises larger.

We’ve all got to suffer because sex with you involves a magnifying glass?

Now the government is spending taxpayers’ hard-earned money to bail out your banks and get credit moving again. And instead of getting out of the hole, you want to use that money to buy other banks?

WTF?

You’re a damn addict. We’re going to find you in some crack house licking someone’s toes in two weeks. “Just one more merger baby and then I’m going straight. Just one more merger baby.”

You know what you can do with that umbrella stand.

That’s mine. Who would you tell off and what would you say?

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