Two or more slurpees each day increase penis size.

Source: The 7-Eleven Chronicle, July 17, 2012, pp 324-367, “Drink to me only,” Principal Investigator: Dr. Apu Nahasapemapedela, Springfield University. Study Subjects: middle-aged workers from Springfield Nuclear Power Plant and teenagers from various and sundry hangouts around town. Study site: Kwik-E-Mart. Study materials: 75 Gallons of Slurpees, assorted flavors, 100 dozen 64 ounce containers. Study tools: slurpee count-meter, internet porn, yardstick from Ace Hardware, and sordid backroom. Statistically Significant Results: Penis size increased 1mm for every 525 64 oz containers drunk. Note: No variation in size based on flavor. XTRA: See average international penis size and IQ correlation From the desk of Dr. Bawdy and his the last word on sex research: www.bawdylanguage.com/blog