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July 25, 2017

Has there ever been a better description for sex hotel than "fantasy suite?"

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“I have how many more guys to get rid of?”

Last week Dean was sent packing and we are down to three star crossed lovers for Rachel to choose from if she wants to win the show true happiness forever.

1) Everything’s bigger in Texas

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Guests of “The Bachelorette” stay in the Hilton Anatole Hotel

We are back in Dallas, Rachel’s hometown. It’s time to meet her family. This is the ONLY time they get to chat until one of them is (possibly) engaged (wink wink). You can see in Bryan’s eyes he’s wants to know if there’s a dowry.

Peter goes first and Rachel decides he’s gonna buy her nephews some presents. It’s like they’re already married!

Meanwhile, Bryan and Eric are both shocked that Peter wouldn’t propose after all this. He’s taking the show too seriously by taking proposing too seriously. “The Bachelorette” is no place for hard moral stances. Peter is here for #WrongReasons.

2) Really?

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He fell asleep mid sentence

We arrive at the palatial Lindsay estate and Business Owner Peter wants to let Rachel know that he’s pretty kinda okay with maybe possibly falling in love with her. Maybe.

It’s time to meet the fam! Except Rachel’s dad who has more important things to do than be on his daughter’s TV show. “Cat’s In The Cradle” plays softly in the background.

Peter talks to her whole family and he tells them how much he LIKES her. The family patiently listens to this reality show horseshit.

Rachel’s sister Constance sits her down to be like “really?”

Meanwhile, her brother-in-law Alex sits Peter down to be like “really?”

Then Rachel’s mom sits down to be like “reallllllllly‚Ķ”

Peter and Kathy sit down and she’s like “why would you ever marry my daughter? I wouldn’t!”

Oh and it’s not just his neice; Peter’s good with kids period, including Rachel’s nephew. I’d let him get me pregnant, biological impossibilities be damned.

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“Rachel is this lil’ fella your dad?”

3) “He spends a lot of time with his admin assistant.”

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“Rachel I wasn’t kidding about being afraid of heights”

Back at the hotel Rachel tells the boiz it’s time for Eric to go under the microscope.

They climb an abandoned tower and Rachel points out where her dad works. Sure, Rachel. A lot of people’s dads work in that building.

4) Almost had a full term relationship

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When you trash talk someone and then you find out you’re talking to their brother

Deja Vu as the Suburban pulls up. Eric and Rachel arrive at Chez Lindsay - a house bigger than all the homes I grew up in put together.

Constance doesn’t believe that Eric is emotionally ready for marriage because he was in one eight month relationship. Apple Care lasts longer than that.

Rachel’s cousin would let him get it.

Eric asks Rachel’s mom if he would have her blessing to marry Rachel. Kathy responds with “I guess so?” They have either been directed really well by the producers or not at all.

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“Do I look like I need this foolishness in my life?”

5) Court is in session

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“I made this Rachel out of spare parts in the Professor’s lab”

Bryan is ready for Rachel’s family to be blown away by his smooth Miami vibes. But first! He’s gotta blow away her friends.

Oh boy are they blown. They only stop talking about how charming he is to tell him how confident he is.

Rachel says she thought he was a douchebag. He kept telling her she was wrong until she believed him. Isn’t that gaslighting?

Bryan finally meets Rachel’s family. They think he’s full of shit.

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He’s full of shit

The family turns lunch into a Senate hearing with all their crazy questions like “how sincere are you?” and “what is your deal you Miami Maniac?” Senator Bryan recuses himself.

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“Ha ha please stop telling your family you thought I was a douchebag.”

6) He kept hitting on Kathy between takes.

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“Thanks for letting me bring my telescope to your house.”

Rachel’s sister has a sit down with Miami Heat and now he’s gaslighting the whole family.

Kathy sees this as too much too soon. Rachel says “yeah but what if this is our version of love.” By “our” she means herself, Bryan, and the producers.

Eventually they all accept that he and Rachel are insane and send them both on their way.

7) Red Ships of Spain

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“I’m gonna have a hot piece of hunkmeat tonight.”

Now that everyone has met her family it’s time to go to Spain and have…the fantasy suite. Has there EVER been a better euphemism for sex hotel?

Rachel considers who she’s going to bang first the way couples decide which house to buy on “House Hunters.”

Eric decides he has more to tell Rachel so they take a HELICOPTER across the Spanish Vineyards. They have wine in a monastery in the middle of nowhere then Eric talks about how awesome it would be to have sex with Rachel.

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“That was the last helicopter on the island; we’re trapped!”

8) Sweet sweet fantasy baby

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Rachel and Eric have their private dinner in an oversized room. Eric speaks in his sexiest voice because THE FANTASY SUITE CARD IS AT STAKE.

This is a great time to explain virginity to your kids. “Son, do you still have your fantasy suite card?”

Eric winds up and tells her he loves her and…then just rambles for a while. She doesn’t say anything back but does kiss him. She’s really excited because now she can string him along knows how he feels.

Rachel hands Eric a card from Sex God Chris Harrison which says “why don’t you kids sleep in my sex palace tonight?” Relieved, Eric takes Rachel up to Wildcat Harrison’s pentouse to hit it.

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“Come f*ck at my house. Love, your Cool Uncle Chris

9) Blotto Baggins

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It’s the morning after. Rachel and Eric have coffee. Rachel’s like “get lost I have another date coming through” and here comes Peter, ready to pretend like she wasn’t just getting a private training session from E Rock.

They crawl into a cave where a wine Hobbit sings at them. He then gives them keys to a wine cellar like he’s trying to sneak them out of North Korea. The keys open a wine cellar with their names on it. Rachel thinks it’s romantic and not creepy?

She asks him about the proposal business but they’re interrupted by a decoy child deployed by Peter. The child leads them to their next activity, stomping the shit ouf of some grapes. They make out in a grape tub. Some sommalier down the line will be very confused when he detects a note of “Peter and Rachel love juice” in a glass of red.

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“Waiter, my bottle of wine has a condom in it.”

10) Make the whole plane out of the relationship

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You actually DO want me to marry you?

Rachel and Peter prepare for their private dinner in a large room but she channels Seinfeld and asks “what is the deal with this relationship?” Peter sticks to his guns and Rachel says she doesn’t think things with Peter are gonna work out. Will their relationship contin–

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G*d dammit.

Next week we have the pinnacle of “Bachelorette” insanity as the men tell all. Dish boys, dish!

In two weeks we return with the dramatic conclusion of Rachel’s path to her forever boy.

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“Yeah, to here. I’ve measured it many times I know it by heart.”