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WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU, GEPETTO, ARE EXPECTING

 

Congratulations! You’re an elderly Italian wood-worker who’s decided to fill the void in his life by crafting a puppet that looks like a boy. Fatherhood is never an easy process but we’re here to help make it a bit easier.

Manufacturing. Be sure to make your new wood-puppet-baby-thing in your factory in the dead of night, on the coldest night of winter. It will make the experience all the more magical. Even more so if you are being watched by a cricket. NOTE: It is best to manufacture on the night of a meteroid’s descent. You will have to time this VERY carefully.

Being honest with your child. It’s important you stress to your child the importance of always telling the truth, otherwise their nose will grow ridiculously long and look stupid. Your child doesn’t need to look like a freakshow; they rather have enough going on in their lives being made of wood and all, not to mention that their dad looks like a cracked-out Wilford Brimley.

Helping your child make the right choices. Obviously, your child should avoid shady-looking anthropomorphized cats and foxes that smoke cigars. That’s rather obvious, given how unnatural it is, but your child will probably be innocently naive and trusting towards everyone despite their appearance and tone of voice, so guide them best you can. Don’t let them sign up for the circus.

Your child’s friends. Making new friendships among peers is an important part of your child’s life; however, your child should not become friends with a kid named Lampwick, even less so if your child is made out of WOOD. Wood plus lamps plus wicks? They obviously do not mix. You wouldn’t let a normal human child become friends with a kid named “Stabby”, as most normal human children are vulnerable to being stabbed. Of course, a wooden child would be LESS affected by a knife to the stomach, probably not even fazed, but you know what I mean. Lampwick is bad news. He’ll teach your child to smoke and gamble and probably, through the course of bad decision making, turn them into some sort of mutated donkey-boy. Again, your child has enough to worry about having a human mess like you for a father.

Whales. Whales are terrible mammals. They will try to eat you and your kid. Don’t know why anybody would ever want to save them. They will try their very best to murder you. Retaliate with fire should you ever be inside one. Why would you ever want to save a whale? They are savage beasts. Hear that, hippies?

Human transformation. The day is finally here! After proving to the world that you are barely capable of taking care of a wooden-puppet-thing without it getting into a whole mess of fatal trouble and “dying” in the process, your wooden-puppet-thing will be transformed into a human boy. A living, breathing, young human male that you are solely responsible for on a woodworker’s salary. Good luck, you weird guy.

Regret. Well, that was pretty much the stupidest thing ever. There are easier ways to get a baby, you know. Surrogacy. Adoption. The process might take a bit longer but chances are a whale will not try to murder you in the interim. Or, you could make a baby yourself. With a human woman. The first step to meeting one might be, have a better job than woodworker. One that allows you to, you know, meet human women, like being a pilot or a heterosexual yoga teacher. Lose the mustache; it sort of makes you look like a sex criminal. Breed with a much younger woman. You might be old but a man’s parts work long after a woman’s parts. Come to think of it, the Blue Fairy is pretty hot, why didn’t you just make a move on her? 

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