As we’ve entered 2011, you may have noticed that a lot of shit with wings or fins has been dying. At this point one the most widely-accepted explanations for these deaths is stress (really), but that doesn’t rule out many equally valid hypotheses.
1. Barack Obama – According to an undoubtedly accurate FoxNews.com poll, President Barack Obama is responsible for the economic recession, all illegal aliens, homosexuality, and tears (most evidently seen through John Boehner). Clearly this guy is up to something. Is it that far-fetched to belief perhaps he’s been killing thousands upon thousands of birds with that southpaw, split-finger fastball he’s got? No. In fact, it’s the most likely explanation.
His next target -- the St. Louis Cardinals
2. Holiday Depression - Every year around the holidays, depression sets in deeper than ever for thousands of people. They go up on the house top and jump, put their heads in the oven like a Christmas ham, or simply swallow an entire bottle of holiday cheer (Valium). Maybe the same thing happens with birds and fish. Fly up real high, then stop flapping your wings. Swim towards the shore and flop yourself on land. Best part is, they don’t even have to write a suicide note. [FoxNews.com Editorial Fact Check: It has been confirmed that birds and fish are, in fact, illiterate.]
3. Old Age – Maybe, like, all the birds and fish that died at the same time were born at the same time. So, you know, it was just their time to go… all at once. I saw this movie called The Notebook where these old people died at the same time at the crazy house. The old guy from Maverick was in it. I’m not sure if they were born at the same time in the movie, but if they were, it would really support my theory. I bet they were born at the same time.
4. God - Biblical plague? Yeah, right.
5. Aliens - Count me in. I saw this movie called Signs and there was this part where they were watching TV and a bird flew in the side of an invisible spaceship and died. It’s how they realized the spaceship was invisible. Why isn’t anybody reporting anything about the invisible spaceships in Arkansas and the ocean?
[FoxNews.com Editorial Fact Check: Contrary to our earlier fact check, birds and fish may not be as illiterate as once thought, as evidenced by a talking parrot Walt saw at the pet store. This is a developing story.]
My name is t.j. and I want to know who gets to eat the birds and fish.