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Published August 24, 2010

NEW YORK— New research conducted by scientists from New York University shows that students who play the trombone in college will never know the touch of a good woman.

 

“I will admit I was extremely surprised by these findings,” said lead scientist, Dr. Marvin Shoenberger. “The trombone is one of the most masculine instruments- I’m sorry, that’s bullshit.  I wasn’t surprised by these findings at all.  I used to kick these guys’ asses in college and I’m a freaking SCIENTIST.”

 

Many collegiate trombone players have publically come out against the study calling it “biased” and that they “are called ‘tromboners’ for a reason.”

 

“I just think it paints us in an unfair light,” said Matt Goldstein, a collegiate ‘tromboner.’  “Sure, I spend most nights by myself, longing for companionship but all I need to do is whip out my big, shiny instrument and slide it back and forth a few times until I’m out of breath.  Who needs girls?”

 

Many women tend to agree with the findings.  “I once dated a trombone player in college,” said one such woman, who preferred to remain unidentified.  “He was cute and he really liked me.  But then one night, he wanted to play me my favorite song, ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’ from The Lion King.  It was awful.  It just sounded so choppy and bad, I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room with him anymore.”

 

The controversial study concluded that the sound trombone a trombone makes works as anti-aphrodisiac, in effect shutting down the desire in women to have sex.  However, Dr. Shoenberger sees other ramifications in the near future.

 

“It would appear that playing the trombone is the most effective form of birth control that we know of.  Condoms and pills are 98% effective.  This is 100% effective.  We hope that schools will integrate this method into their health curriculums and we’ll see a decrease in unwanted teen pregnancies.”

 

For many trombone players, the release of these results are cause for celebration, not anguish.  Said one unnamed tromboner, “Maybe, girls will notice us now.”

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