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zach galifianakis, taylor swift, big machine records

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March 23, 2013

A stand-up comedy piece ghost-written by Jonathan Miles Berkland

*To be read by zach galifianakis during a stand-up performance*.                                                       I'm still stuck here in a train full of granny panties. The windows are open, and the breeze is cooling away the nuances of the day. I'm sipping a rum and coke, eye-ing back and forth from the pair of rainbow-striped loafers worn by the woman in B4 and the deep cleavage of the woman in C10. I was hoping for an important call today from someone of class with something important to say - a gig, an opportunity, a chance to shine.....something of value to help soothe a broken heart and a beaten mind. Instead I receive the annoyances of never-ending spam. They're always texting me "FFS....Whats FFS?" For Fucks Sake people, do you know not my name? I woke up at 4:16 AM today. There were small pieces of flannel shirts in my cereal. Whatever drugs they've been giving me - they're working. Its funny from JMB's standpoint, being a loser P.O.S. stuck in a bullshit science experiment googling hot babes who go home to Abercrombie Models. You get messages like "Back off douche!" and "That's my girlfriend your talking about!" Sometimes I touch myself to pictures of children, and then yell out things like "goat cheese!" and "marmalade junction!" while orgasm foam brews in grandfather's cauldron. I met a man while in psychiatric confinement who puts orange peels in his bags of reefer, making a quarter weigh out to 10 grams. Fucking genius bropants. Now they get super citrus herb and you've got 3 extra grams to rip face with. Cha-Ching goes the granny drawer. I read somewhere that they now make pieces of paper out of elephant dung. Perhaps I'm writing on elephant poop right now and don't even know it. I bet they hide the fact that it's actually elephant poop, so that when Dane C from Colorado sends a paper airplane over to Martha's cubicle with an "Eat this and I'll marry you" message scribbled on the wing, and she eats it, a little chuckle is heard seven desks over. It's funny watching people try to cover up their metaphorical farts of the day, like when Drew W from Charlotte knocks over a Dr. Pepper can with his boner, or Larry C from Minnesota lets out her first queef after trans-gender surgery. Queef. What a strange word. If I was the combination of a doctor and a scientist, I personally would invent a pill or a chewable that would make a queef smell like skittles or a banana sunday. That way, when I tickle her clitoris with my nose, my spirit guide would be at peace.                                                                                                                                           The Erotic Adventures Of Philip And Leah is almost complete. There are elements of ball splooging and titty grabbing within its confines. One time I named myself Alaskan Cumshot in Warcraft 3. My buddys name was Angry Apple. So I changed my name to Ferocious Fig. So he changed his name to Gluttonous Grape. So I changed my name to Luscious Lemon. So he changed his name to Neutering Nectarine. So I changed my name to Perilous Pear. So he changed his name to Outstanding Orange. So I changed my name to Brainfreeze Banana. There I go turning everyone on with banana talk again. We should come up with a name for that queef pill. That would be a fun game for all of those SNL writers. I'd contribute suggestions like "Queef Stank Be Gone" or "Now My Pussy Don't Smell Like My Asshole" - It would be hilarious if Taylor Swift's punishment for getting super famous and ignoring everyone was to read this piece aloud in front of a huge crowd like The Grammys or the MTV Movie Awards. Comic The Insult Dog would be on sight to say something along the lines of "There goes that blonde bitch's goody good reputation, you nincumpoops you!" I've got nothing but love with the girl, but sometimes you've got to get your hands dirty to prove your love to another. So let us keep envisioning ourselves in a crowd listening to Taylor Swift speak truly profane things. She would say things along the line of "Why oh lord was I wearing granny panties that day my skirt got Marilyn Monroed?" - "Where oh where can I get the rest of Big Machine Records 'Now My Pussy Don't Smell Like My Asshole' chewables?" - "Why oh why can't I send Infinite Prose a simple Thank You before he goes off on my record label again?" "Shit - Jizz - Ass - Piss - Country Girl - Queef - Dildo - Water Vase - Hell - Fuck - Garden Gnome - Applause"