Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 25, 2014

Senator John Walsh of Montana denies that he would ever plagiarize.


It was recently discovered that Senator John Walsh plagiarized large portions of his master’s thesis. He released the following statement denying it.

As a U.S. Senator of Montana, the first thing I’d like to say about this whole plagiarism scandal, is that my name is Katniss Everdeen. I am 17 years old. My home is District 12. I was in the Hunger Games. I escaped. The Capitol hates me.

And though plagiarism is an emotional accusation for me, I ask myself what I always ask in times of confusion: If Edward was a vampire — I could hardly make myself think the words — then what should I do?

It has been hard on me and my family. My wife asked me the other day, “I see a little silhouetto of a man, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me.”

“Because I’m 50 shades of fucked up, Anastasia,” I responded.

In spite of these fears, I continue to abide by the words of my mother: “I am the one who knocks.”

This accusation is unfounded, and it is not true. I’d like to leave you all with a reminder that I have served this country in good faith as a Senator of Montana, a military leader, and the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Thank you for being a friend, and good night moon.