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Published September 05, 2012

 

A tradition with my mother is to go see a movie together and then talk about it afterwards over tea or ice cream. I saw maybe two seconds of the trailer for Hope Springs and decided that it would be a movie that my mother would enjoy and

I wouldn’t hate completely. I was wrong on both accounts.

*Spoiler Alert*

Expectations:

An elderly couple goes to marriage counseling and we all laugh at the catty remarks and how old people do things funny.

What Actually Happened:

Oh, dear God… I have never seen so much old people sex in my life. It was about old people doing the dirty and learning how to give blow jobs. Did I mention that I took my 64 year old mother to see this? Also my parents are close in age to these characters.. FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD!

The main issue was that Tommy Lee Jones didn’t want to have sex with Meryl Streep. This was the only thing I could relate to throughout the whole movie. The whole movie was un-relatable to me since I am 26 and have never had an issue of not wanting to fuck something that is willing. I found it rather boring, so I made the best of it by changing the way I viewed the movie. Tommy Lee Jones became Agent K once again, fighting aliens during the week and on the weekend he had to deal with a trip to Maine to see a marriage counselor. GIVE THE MAN A BREAK! Imagine the stress of killing aliens then having to deal with Meryl Streep fingering herself in the bed next to you at an EconoLodge. The man has to be a god of some sort.

There were no intended laughs in this movie. I on the other hand, chose to laugh at Meryl Streep looking at the camera lustfully. She did it so many times I was starting to think she wanted to fuck a theater full of movie-goers. I know I have typed the word fuck many times in this article and for that I am sorry but realize that I had to sit an hour and forty minutes with my mother as old people boned and moaned. I am still a little upset about this.

Between seeing a 63 year old’s nipples through her “I want to fuck” gown and Tommy Lee Jones getting blown in a movie theatre, I was running out of things to talk about with my mother over tea. “So, she was giving that BJ all wrong; right Mom?” Which would have caused another gay scare like that of 1998 when I told them “I actually like the music the Spice Girls make.” So we talked about how I should do more research on movies we watch together and how “That was not a movie you take your mother to.” All in all today was a good day to kill myself.

TAKE ME OUT OF THE GAME LORD! I’M READY!

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