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August 08, 2017

Fire and Fury in their own words

In another dramatic public statement, Donald Trump threatened North Korea with “Fire and Fury.” But now Fire and Fury are speaking for themselves:

An Official Statement from Fire:


“Mr. President, it’s about damn time.

Fire reporting for duty, sir. My pugil stick is ready and at your command. She’s hungry, and she’s in the mood for North Korean. I have trained for this my entire life. This American Gladiator puts the American first. When do we Swingshot in? Just give me the word. Because if you want scorched earth, all you need is Fire…"

An Official Statement from Fury:


“Hey Kim Jong Un,

You heard the president. I can’t wait to stuff you into a small cylinder like the soft, oversized Nerf ball you are. I don’t care how many troops you have marching in your streets. I’ll bowl through and crush all of them in my Atlasphere without breaking a sweat. And then I’ll roll right onto your nuclear facilities until they smoke like scoring pods.

Hell hath no Fury like the one about to kick your ass.“

Another Statement from Fire:


“Hey, Mr. President. It’s Fire again.

You were talking about me, right? When you made the threat against North Korea? I wasn’t sure if you remembered me from our old days when we both had the ridiculous network TV personas or not. I guess so. You’ve really managed to extend yours into something big. I don’t know how you do it. Must be exhausting. Kudos, dude.

One small favor to ask if we work together: Please respect the locker room door. Thanks in advance.”

An Official Statement from Malibu:


“I’m also available, if anyone needs back-up.”