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Stats & Data

May 17, 2016

"I've been buried since summer 2k15."

Beach season is right around the corner and I have so many friggin’ fun activities planned, first of which, to get unburied from this sand. Summer 2k15 was one for the party history books. Drinking Corona Extras on the beach. Drinking Corona Extras at concerts. Drinking Corona Extras. The gang and I made the most out of last summer. I’d say they were the best days of my life. The only problem, everybody forgot to unbury me on the last day of summer.

It sucks everyone forgot about me.

It sucks everyone forgot about me. It has really been a struggle this winter but having only my head exposed to the elements has been a lucky break. Sure, birds constantly bite and shit on me and my skin burns from the sun will probably never heal but at least the gang will be back in a few weeks with a couple of cold, crisp Corona Extras for me.

When you learn about being buried from the shoulders down in school, they don’t tell you all of the gross details. I’ve been pee-peeing and pooing on myself for eight and a half months. Any room in the hole we dug to bury me in not occupied by my body is filled with doo-doo. I have to wait everyday until high tide to drink the sea water. They say you can’t drink salt water but they also say you can’t only drink Corona Extras for a whole summer and that theory was certainly proven wrong by the Boys Of Summer 2k15.

This winter of being buried was hard, but not as hard as you might think. Anytime it got bad I would just close my eyes and think about all the fun times the boys and I had during the dog days. I pray to the sun everyday that maybe, just maybe, today will be the day the boys come over the horizon with a cooler of Coronas for me.

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