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June 29, 2016

Jojo's beaus have the first second two-on-one date in the same season.

Jojo Go To Argentina

Our epic love saga continues in Buenos Aires, Argentina this week. We see some shots of locals riding horses. Did they pay these people?

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Everything this show does that has to do with foreign countries feels vaguely racist.

Jojo wanders around the streets of Buenos Aires and then meets up with Chris Harrison, who looks DAPPER AF in his Argentina suit.

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So… should we forget those losers and just do this?

He does a pre-episode interview with Jojo. They’re really switching things up tonally this episode and I’m very into the experimentation at the cost of the contestants’ pride.
Jojo: “Chris, what if I fall in love with two people just like Ben? I can see how it happened!”

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I can see how it happened! Now I get why this show will run forever!

Jojo’s beaus greet her with an: “Hola Jojo!” If you can endure the early bootcamp weeks where you’re sleeping dick-to-dick in Bachelor Mansion bunk beds, you earn trips, nice hotels, and cursory cultural exploration later. Ex-Swimmer Robby is so creepy: “You know, it’s kind of like a city of love… I told Jojo I loved her last week and I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I just really want to see her. I miss the girl.”

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So, “technically” Punta del Este was the City of Love and Buenos Aires will be the City of Kidnapping & Butt Stuff

Lord Harrison tells the guys this is the first time they’re having two two-on-one dates in one season. I’m not sure why they have never done that before because the two-on-ones are amazing for Bachelor Nation. Marine Alex weighs in: “I’ll tell you what, two-on-ones are no mas, no good.” Marine Alex seamlessly blending into the Buenos Aires culture.

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I wonder who’s gonna be on this “no mas” two-on-one date. Mas luck to these guys!

The boys get the first date card. Wells gets his first one-on-one and the card reveals Wells’ secret to the guys.
Wells: “I’ll be frank with you guys, I’m the one guy I think here, that hasn’t kissed her.” Someone says, “Holy kiss!"The guys start ripping into him. Marine Alex: "What if you kiss her and there’s just no– no sparks?”

Robby: “I can’t believe he hasn’t kissed her yet. I haven’t been able to keep my hands off her.”

I can’t imagine someone being able to control themselves around her in the slightest, to the point that some might categorize it as “dangerous for Jojo.”

Ex-Swimmer Robby: “I would walk out the door to the hotel room and do it right there. Get it out of the way. Let her know, ‘I mean business,’ and set the tone for the rest of the day. I’ll kiss her immediately.” Shocking, another rapey comment from Ex-Swimmer Robby.

Jojo comes in. Douchebag Luke: “Are you guys gonna kiss today?”

Fuck. You.

Luke tries to shame Wells into being nervous for his date and it’s fucked up and Wells is the only decent human being left on this show. The guys continue to shit-talk Wells after he leaves. Marine Alex: “Awkward!”
Sensitive Derek: “I saw his hands shaking.”
Douchebag Luke: “With that much buildup for something that hasn’t happened yet…”

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With that much buildup for something that I’ve already done 6,000x with her… Good luck…

Ex-Swimmer Robby: “If it’s not fireworks, like literally the best kiss that kid has ever given, he’s probably going home.”

Date #1: One-on-One with Wells

Jojo and Wells wander around a street market.

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These sex toys are actually both culture AND art.

Wells: “I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t kissed her yet. I was constantly looking for this perfect situation to arise. The feeling’s got to be right. The mood’s got to be right.”

They see a weird ceiling water art performance called Fuerza Bruta.

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They meet a little elf who is the director of the show. He tells them he’s going to train them for the show.

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Now who’s ready to have their butt and titties seen smushed from below by strangers?!

In something that I’m sure is relevant to the water performance, Wells is hooked up to a treadmill and pretends to get shot. Jojo walks by him and falls off. Art, ya know. Sometimes needs no explanation.

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It’s quite awkward because Wells won’t kiss her.

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Just gonna give you the old face pat!

The Fuerza instructors the producers tell barely-clothed Wells and Jojo to “play” on the suspended pool now.
Jojo: “There’s something really sexy about what we’re doing.”

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Wells finally goes for it.

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Jojo: “That was the moment Wells! We did it!” Not sure you want your girlfriend yelling that she got something out of the way finally when you first kiss.

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We did it! Next goal to check off our list: light hand stuff! We’re only 3,000 items behind my list with Luke!

Wells: “The neurotic, terrified Wells is finally falling away and the confident, romantic side of me is coming out.” I… love… you?

They go to dinner. I love Jojo’s dress. Wells: “I came into this, like, super skeptical. And the skepticism like, melted away. For me today, that’s what that was. I just walked away being like, ‘Holy crap,’ like this is totally viable. You and I are probably pretty different people. And I think I was struggling with that. I’ve always had this idea of what the perfect person for me is supposed to be.” In a totally normal first date question, Jojo then asks Wells about his last relationship.

Wells: “It was a really long relationship. Four years. We were very similar people. At the end, it seemed like we were just best friends living together.”

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I know this is probably exactly about what you’re scared would happen with us but it’s honestly too hot to think of another reason right now.

Back at the hotel, the group date is announced. Chase and Sensitive Derek get the Two-on-One date.

Sensitive Derek: “May the best connection continue!”

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And may I one day learn how to talk like a normal human being!

Chase’s confessional: “If Derek got the rose, I would almost feel, like betrayed. There’s nothing Derek has over me.”

Back on the Wells date, Jojo asks another normal first date question of what his soul mate is like. Wells describes wanting someone who lasts past the initial passion. Jojo: “Does passion have to go away?… I’m looking for my unicorn.”
Wells: “That’s what you’re looking for?”
Jojo: “I think everyone deserves to find that type of love.”
Jojo’s confessional: “I hear a lot of skepticism in Wells’ voice.”
Jojo: “There was something that didn’t feel 100% like I wanted it to.” And like that, Wells, the only viable person left in the group to date, is gone. FIND ME, WELLS!!!

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Jojo then does ANOTHER Bachelor first and goes on the rest of the date by herself. WTF is going on? Is she in the show? I guess it was part of a deal to advertise the show whether the date bombed or not but it’s really fucking weird.

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This is honestly what I do after all my breakups too tho.

She’s then rained on???

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Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams… Let it wash away, my sanity…

Date #2: Group Date

In the establishing shots for the group date, we get a pretty weird omen.

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Traditional pre-group-date statue blessing.

Marine Alex once again runs to get to Jojo first of the group. It’s all he has.

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Quick! Before she sees me walking on the same plane as the others!

James Taylor II goes on a rant in his confessional about how beautiful his competition is: “Just look at these guys. They’re perfect. I really do feel like I snuck onto a set I’m not supposed to be on… It’s definitely humbling. Wow these are really cool guys.” James Taylor II must’ve been an awkward youth, right?

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Am I on the set of Hercules or Tarzan or my favorite porno or what?

Jojo to local woman: “These are my boyfriends.” Another local woman stares out menacingly at her and her boyfriends.

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I once had six boyfriends too. They are all dead now. Coincidence.

These guys know how to have fun.

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So weird to see Marine Alex in the submissive role.

They play a pickup soccer game with some more locals. A-Ro-Bro puts his shirt over his head when he scores.

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Just A-Ro-Bro giving the locals a beautiful display of American humility.

James Taylor II: “I don’t see myself as like, this sexy dude… but Jordan and all of these guys are incredible. I’m not gonna blow anyone away with my looks or my abs.” We get it, James. You hate yourself.

They do a shoot-out for Jojo’s kiss. Luke has the worst shot I’ve EVER seen. Robby tries to pay off the goalie who just takes his money. Yes.

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And there’s another 50 in there for you if you help me kidnap her later tonight.

James Taylor II is the only one who makes his shot and kisses Jojo. James Taylor: “I’m not the sexy dude in the house, but I am on a very quick train and it’s heading to I-Love-Jojo-Ville.”

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On the express train to I-Love-Jojo-Ville! With a quick stop in Ruin-My-Chances-By-Tattling-Town!

They embark on the cocktail portion of the date. A-Ro-Bro: “At this point if anyone doesn’t think they’re number one, then they shouldn’t be here.” It’s absolutely shocking A-Ro-Bro thinks he’s number one.

James Taylor does not think he is number one and does still have an open wound on his face. “This is an all-star cast.”

Newest stage of James’ concussion.

Meanwhile, Jojo’s hand is basically on Luke’s dick as they makeout. “I’m running out of words to describe the level of passion that is Luke and me together… That spark is just, it’s crazy. It’s cra-zy.”

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This is like, first-ex-Chad levels of passion.

Back at the hotel, Sensitive Derek and Chase are having a pre-date psychological battle. Sensitive Derek’s confessional: “This is more about me building upon the relationship that Jojo and I already have from the last time we met, in which I got the group-date rose and Chase did not. So I have an upper hand and there’s no question that I’ll be here two, three, four weeks from now.”

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Even if she doesn’t pick me, I’m just gonna follow the production anyway. Oh, I’ll BE here.

Sensitive Derek: “I wish it wasn’t you [going home tomorrow].”
Chase: “I don’t know how you’re smiling. I don’t know how you’re laughing but I’m taking this pretty seriously and that’s not the date card I wanted to read.”
Sensitive Derek: “I can’t help but be optimistic.”

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I also can’t help this shit-eating grin I wear all the time.

Chase’s confessional: “Derek’s attitude going into this, when we’re going into battle together, irritated the fuck out of me.”

Back on the date, some producers have goaded James Taylor II into throwing A-Ro-Bro under the bus. It’s the only possible solution for why people do this season after season when it clearly ALWAYS ends up blowing up in their faces. She asks him why he’s off.

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Why am I off? Uh, definitely not because I’m on the chopping block and I thought I’d take a swing at the front-runner. For suresies not that.

James Taylor II: “It’s about Jordan. And there was a side of him that I’d never seen before… We’re playing a game of cards and Jordan says ‘this rule is this rule,’ and I think ‘maybe it’s this rule.’ Well, he kind of shuts it down because he kind of is, you know, he’s Jordan Rodgers.”

Jojo: “What does that mean– Jordan Rodgers?”
James Taylor II: “It means I’m pretty much a celebrity and people are gonna listen to me because I have a, you know, billion-watt smile, and a uh, you know, like stud arm, and like I’m in magazines.”

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Sorry I don’t have a billion watt smile and a like, stud arm for a penis, etc.

James Taylor II then immediately asks if he can make out with Jojo.

Your other boyfriend sucks dick. So, er, can we make out?

Instead of taking this information and then observing A-Ro-Bro to see if it’s true like a true scientist who didn’t want EXTRANEOUS VARIABLES, she confronts him.Jojo: “It was brought to my attention earlier tonight that there was an altercation with you and James.”

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It was brought to my attention that the thing that attracts me to you MOST might possibly be a negative thing.

A-Ro-Bro laughs.

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Oh James?! That plebian.

Jojo: “I hate hearing that because I had this idea of you in my head that I feel is accurate. And then to hear, ‘it was Jordan acting entitled and very, like snobby…’”

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Tell me that you’re not entitled. I couldn’t possibly figure it out on my own and you seem to be a really un-biased neutral third party to help me with this determination.

A-Ro-Bro: “He was very boisterous about ‘oh well that’s your rules.’ So I’m like ‘No James, that’s actually just the rule. It’s not my rules… I don’t know that means – entitled… In fact, everybody, at one point or another, has talked about how they thought I was going to be one person coming into this and that I’ve been exactly that. Not that.”

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Everybody who’s everybody has said at one point or another that I’m a huge dick. I mean, not dick.

A-Ro-Bro belittles Jojo by fixing her hair in the middle of her serious emotional speech.

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Oh you silly girl and your feelings… Shhh…

A-Ro-Bro’s confessional: “I do not think I’m better than anybody in this house and I don’t enjoy my integrity being questioned at all. Character is huge for me. That’s how my parents brought me up. So anytime that’s questioned, especially by someone that I was friends with,uh, is pathetic.”

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Integrity is huge for me. Almost huger than my stud arm dick.

A-Ro-Bro goes back to the group and there’s an awkward few minutes while A-Ro-Bro silently fumes like a psychopath.

He swirls his wine glass while glaring at James Taylor II.

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I can’t believe I even have to share this loveseat in my $3000 jacket with someone so pathetic.

The guys tell him he’s acting weird. Finally, A-Ro-Bro asks James Taylor II: “Did I come up at all?”

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Hey so, did I come up at all? TRICK QUESTION, PATHETIC BITCH, I KNOW IT DID!!!

James Taylor: “Yeah.” A-Ro-Bro wants to kill him but then realizes there are cameras.

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OK, A-Ro-Bro, think. How do I make him know what a pathetic POS he is while still looking good enough to be next Bachelor.

A-Ro-Bro is creeping me the fuck out.
A-Ro-Bro: “Did you use the word entitlement?”
James: “I said very intently that Jordan acted like… he was the end-all of be-alls right then.”
A-Ro-Bro: “How does one act entitled when stating that the rules of a game are such? How does my character get called into question when I am playing a poker game?

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How does one act entitled when stating that the rules of a game are such and henceforth shall be, et cetera?

A-Ro-Bro: “It’s just pathetic when someone needs to bring stuff up like that.” He’s so not entitled. When someone needs to do that because they’re worse than me.

James Taylor II: “She definitely does not deserve to be with someone who just wants this for fame. Jojo deserves an honest, good man, who cares more about her more than anything, and especially more than himself.”

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And if you want to hear more about this subject, check out my website JamesTaylorIIMusic.com, where you also can buy my newest album, “Right Reasons.”

Jojo: “Tonight I want to give it to somebody that continues to make me feel really good and special and somebody that makes me excited about the future.”

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So, Safe Bet, will you accept this rose?

A-Ro-Bro: “I’m really pissed. It’s frustrating that my time with Jojo had to be consumed by defending myself against an allegation from somebody trying to get personal gain from that. And just the fact that James chose to say I acted entitled, that is really fucked up.”

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These allegations of entitlement for personal gain are like Deflategate 2016, splendidly preposterous! Hey PA, I asked for ice water over a fortnight ago!!!

Date #3: Two-on-One Date with Sensitive Derek and Chase

Jojo takes Chase and Sensitive Derek to learn how to three-person-tango from some woman. Sensitive Derek manages to look like even more of a dweeb when he’s dancing. Jojo: “There’s three of us but it only takes two to tango.”

Sensitive Derek: “With Jojo, the passion is there and very obvious… I can tell that Chase is in his head and I’m in my heart and this is about finding what’s in your heart .”

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Head vs. Heart: The Final Showdown

Sensitive Derek’s confessional: “I felt the passh-ione!” Ugh.

This date is so incredibly absurd. It’s honestly my nightmare to tango with anyone ever but especially not on the first date and with a third person. They make Chase and Derek spin each other at one point.

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Now if the producers really cared about Bachelor Nation, they’d make them make out.

Later at cocktail hour, Sensitive Derek reveals how he’s damaged in his time with Jojo and then declares: “From day one, I looked in your damn eyes and I was like ‘This woman is the most amazing woman that I’ve ever met.’” She’s for sure going to pick Chase because Derek’s such a fucking pussy. She gives him a pity-make-out.

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I looked in your damn eyes and I was like damn! THERE’S the girl that’s gonna fill this hole inside me!

Next Jojo sits down with Chase. Jojo: “I don’t know how he feels,” which is infinitely more attractive.

Jojo asks Chase for words of affirmation, “You want to [give them] but you’re not."Jojo tells him that he’ll get further in this Bachelor franchise if he’s honest off the bat (something she regretted not doing with Ben in the chance that she would’ve gone further).

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If you want to make it further this season you’re gonna need to cough up the goods.

Chase gives it up to her: “The reason [I’m here] is to be with you and the reason is to leave with you.”

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The reason is to be with you and the reason is to leave with you and the other reason was to dance with Derek but I knocked that one off the list already.

They make-out then re-join Sensitive Derek. Jojo has to give an awkward double preamble while holding the rose before she can reveal who she’s giving it to. She has to say the reasons each guy performed well that day and then picks Chase.

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You opened up from your heart but then you opened up once I pried you open and you’re hotter, so I think we already know my answer.

Jojo to Derek: “I’m so sorry.” Never has someone looked less sorry.

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You don’t even underSTAND how much I’m crying on the inside tho.

Sensitive Derek leaving: “Find your forever.” Jesus Christ.

Sensitive Derek’s sensitive limo goodbye: “I didn’t think this was gonna happen… I wasn’t enough. I thought I was. I’m not. I’m Derek. And Derek is imperfect.”

I’m Imperfect Derek and Imperfect Derek can’t stop crying.

They play the sad song “Don’t Cry for me Argentina” while Derek leaves and Chase and Jojo make out. Sensitive Derek: “I thought this was my time to be happy. But it’s not. Fuck. Why am I crying?”

Bachelor producers know what they’re fucking doing, that’s why.

He looks at the camera and realizes in that moment that America is watching. He then stops talking but the cameras remain on. My friend: “We’re literally just watching a man cry for ten minutes.”

Cocktail Party

A-Ro-Bro’s confessional: “[James] said that I was entitled and had some other choice words about my character and integrity.”

A-Ro-Bro then says a bunch of garbage about his feelings for Jojo to try to make up for their bump in the road.
Jojo: “Finally, you’re like talking about your feelings."A-Ro-Bro: "Yeah, let’s stop.”

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Yeah, I’ve talked about this shit enough to get to hometowns already, right?

Meanwhile the rose-lapel-boys Chase and Luke ask Marine Alex how he’s feeling.
Marine Alex: “Obviously I’m not in your guys’ shoes.” Yes, they are TWICE the size of Alex’s shoes.

Cool Hand Luke grabs Jojo: “Where we going next week?”

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Where we going next week? And let’s be real, the four weeks after that?

James Taylor tells Jojo he needs more time. Jojo, brushing him off: “I think I need more time with everyone.”

Rose Ceremony

A-Ro-Bro and Ex-Swimmer Robby get roses. Then Jojo dramatically walks out of the rose ceremony, talks to Lord Harrison, then gives TWO roses to Alex and James, sending NO ONE home and giving Bachelor Nation major blue balls.
Marine Alex: “We both essentially got pity roses.” Sometimes Marine Alex operates in reality.

Scenes from next week: All I could focus on was Marine Alex in a funny tie and hat making out with Jojo.

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Try to pity THIS, Jojo.

Wells, again, I cannot reiterate enough, find me.

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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