Full Credits

Stats & Data

February 12, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The CEO of Tesla Motors attacked a negative review that the New York Times gave the company's new electric sedan. "Why does the New York Times insist on targeting me?" said Guy Fieri. 

Students and at least one teacher at an Indiana high school are pushing to ban gay students from attending prom. Politics aside, Mr. Hitler really knows how to bring Spanish alive.  

One student from the high school said, “We want to make the public see that we love the homosexuals, but we don’t think it’s right nor should it be accepted." "That's not quite what we're seeing," said the public.

Over 4,200 passengers and crew are stranded on a Carnival cruise ship near Mexico after a fire knocked out the ship's power. That fire's name? Beyoncé. 

Rep. Steve Stockman of Texas will be bringing Ted Nugent to Obama's State of the Union address as his guest. Stockman insists it's not a political statement unless you count desperately wanting to hear "Cat Scratch Fever" as a political statement. 

Apple is reportedly working on a wristwatch-like device made of curved glass. Because Apple knows how much consumers wish their things were as breakable as an iPhone. 

Explaining his resignation, Pope Benedict said, "I have had to recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me.” Adding, "Isn't that right, Debra?"

The Navy SEAL who shot Osama bin Laden reportedly has no pension and pays $500 a month for private health insurance because he chose to retire three years early. "I can't believe the country would treat a person like that," said anyone who isn't a Baby Boomer. 

Horsemeat labeled as beef has now been found in 16 countries. The most surprising part being that Arby's is an international business. 

Gotye's “Somebody That I Used to Know" won Best Album at the Grammys. Though it's hard to judge anything else once you rip your ears off and throw them into the ocean. 

Egypt is blocking access to YouTube because users can still watch the anti-Islamic film “The Innocence of Muslims." Also, no one does work anymore.