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May 07, 2015
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If Getting Plastic Surgery Were Like Paying For Cable


To: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
From: s.hovel@gmail.com
Subject: Invoice Question

Dear Dr. Moory, While recovering from my surgery to correct my overly-pronounced nostrils, I noticed I was covered in a surprising amount of bandages for just a small procedure! So I took a look at the invoice, and I noticed some items on the bill that worry me:

Could you please clear this up for me? They’re just mistakes right?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Hovel
To: s.hovel@gmail.com
From: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
Subject: Invoice Question

Dear Mrs. Hovel,

Happy to clear it up! The nasal operation you ordered comes bundled with these other procedures. You paid for them as part of the Basic Plastic Package. But don’t worry, these additional beautifying operations promise to enhance your overall look experience. You’re very welcome!

Remember, don’t remove those bandages for another 36 hours.

Regards,
Dr. Mel Moory

To: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
From: s.hovel@gmail.com
Subject: Invoice Question

Dr. Moory,

It’s not just the extra costs: it’s the DOUBLE CHIN THAT I NOW HAVE. How is that a “beautifying” operation!?

To: s.hovel@gmail.com
From: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
Subject: Invoice Question

Dear Mrs. Hovel,

Oh, I understand your frustration now. The chin doubling surgery does not add fat below the chin, like you’d see with a heavily obese person. Instead, we simply use extra fat from your buttocks to create an identical chin that we put right next to your current chin. It’s becoming quite an eye-catching trend, I assure you.

To: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
From: s.hovel@gmail.com
Subject: Invoice Question

I HAVE TWO CHINS NOW? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

To: s.hovel@gmail.com
From: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
Subject: Invoice Question

Dear Mrs. Hovel,

Not only do you now have two beautiful chins, but you’re forgetting you also have a lovely permanent Spanish Mustache and no more unsightly wrinkles on your elbow!

With Care,
Dr. Mel Moory

To: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
From: s.hovel@gmail.com
Subject: Invoice Question

Oh my God. I can’t believe this. My life is ruined. WHY A SPANISH MUSTACHE? WHY NOT AMERICAN? WHAT MAKES IT A SPANISH MUSTACHE? AND DON’T I NEED THOSE WRINKLES TO MOVE MY GODDAM ELBOW??

To: s.hovel@gmail.com
From: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
Subject: Invoice Question

Dear Mrs. Hovel,

Those are great questions. Due to the changing demography of America, Spanish mustaches actually make up 55% of all the mustaches in the US, so it would almost be offensive not to give you a Spanish mustache, which is thinner and longer than Traditional American Cowboy mustaches, with dark hair that will go well with your blonde, fair complexion. And yes, you do need those wrinkles for elbow movement. It’s a tradeoff, but most believe their elbow’s newfound beauty is worth it.

All My Love,
Dr. Mel Morry

To: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
From: s.hovel@gmail.com
Subject: Invoice Question

Dear Dr. Moory,

I'M GONNA SUE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

To: s.hovel@gmail.com
From: Mmoory@medicalsystems.com
Subject: Invoice Question

Dear Mrs. Hovel,

This is your signature, allowing the procedures:

SO GO AHEAD AND TRY, BITCH!!

-MEL F'N MD

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