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Published August 14, 2010

HICKSVILLE — Members of the Hicksville Elementary School Beginner Orchestra performed in their annual spring concert this past Monday while their tortured parents looked on, clapping slowly and looking for an excuse to leave.

"There's only so much you can take," said Martin Wilder, a father whose son plays viola and can't even be heard over the tumultuous cacophony of sound.  "I don't know Mozart's 49th piano sonata or whatever.  The only song I knew was 'Hot Cross Buns' and you couldn't even hear it through the screetches."

Among other tunes played by the beginner orchestra were something by Bach, an unidentified piece featuring a crappily executed cello solo, and an Americana medley featuring a slow and uninspiring "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

"I only came for my son so I can be supportive of his musical endeavors, even if he plays something gay like the violin," said Mary Rosenberg, a parent of a student in the orchestra.  "Instead, I have to sit here in an uncomfortable chair where I can't even see him and try not to fall asleep from utter boredom."

"I believe the show went quite well," said Ellen McLintock, the beginner orchestra conductor. "Our audience really seemed to be it, the kids played wonderfully, and I get to live another year vicariously through my students to make up for my failed music career."

Exit polls taken after the event showed that 61% of concert attendees thought the show was "ear drum rupturingly awful" while 30% thought that it was "slightly more enjoyable than swallowing a rusty ball of Ebola-laced nails."  1% found the show to be "actually quite good."

"The show was actually quite good," said Earl Gooden, representing the 1%.  "I'm not much of a music fan but I am fan of well-dressed young boys.  And in that regard, I gave it two thumbs up and a standing ovation."

This is the last show the Hicksville Elementary School Beginner Orchestra will perform until the winter time.  The set list has yet to be released but considering the group has played the same songs for ten years, parents have a good idea of what to expect.  "I don't think I can take another year of this," said Wilder.  "I might have to force my son to go to medical school."

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