At the end of this month, HBO plans to release a Game of Thrones movie!
BUT, before you get all excited and drop a Casterly Rock in your drawers, the “movie” just consists of the last two episodes of season four (which you already saw) back-to-back. BUT PLUS an exclusive trailer for season five. It will be released in 150 IMAX theaters across the country for a one-week run beginning January 23rd.
While it will be undeniably cool to see those awesome last two episodes of last season in full-on IMAX big-ass-screen intensity, I am concerned that the Mountain Dew factory has only been given three weeks heads up on what I’m sure will be a huge demand for ice-cold 64 oz. movie theater–sized cups of the green stuff. Giant Mtn. Dews have for years been the nerd’s trusty and constant companion during big movie screenings. In the ’80s it was all about calculators, in the ’90s glow-in-the-dark braces, but these days with Hollywood pumping out huge superhero and fantasy blockbusters every month, it’s Dew or Die.
So with all the demand, it’s not a stretch to imagine somewhere around the third or fourth day of the movie’s run in theaters, John Q. Nerd walking up to the concession stand, excited to settle in for two hours of Medieval England–themed fantasy battles, and ordering a large Mountain Dew Code Red with his Snocaps and the poor theater worker having to shrug his shoulders and mouth “we’re all out,” unaware of the tide of nerd rage about to befall him.
A few nerds catch wind that there is no more Mtn. Dew left, they immediately rage out on themselves, their loved ones, and all the jocks and preps that came to see the movie too, even though they probably can’t tell you that King Tommen Baratheon is First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men and Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. They probably just think he’s Joffrey’s younger brother and then leave it at that because they are lazy and stupid. Before you know it, the violence spills out into the street, there is looting (of comic book stores) and pillaging (of comic books stores) and eventually bloodshed (far away from the mint-condition comics in the comic book stores). And I don’t have to tell you, that’s the last thing we need in America these days.
So, HBO, if you’re reading this, I hope to hell you have some reserve Mountain Dew on you or else this could get ugly quick.
— every 'Game of Thrones' character has said this at least once
“When you play the Game of Thrones, you do the Dew or you die.”