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September 07, 2017
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This man is singlehandedly taking retro gaming to the next level

Amazing news for retro gamers everywhere!

One brave and selfless gamer has discovered that it is absolutely still an option to jerk off to Lara Croft’s triangle boobs from the original Tomb Raider video game, but only if nothing better is available at the time. Matt Phillips, the hero to retro gaming enthusiasts everywhere, had this to say about his bold new uncovering.

“I am no hero,” Phillips cried, “I am not brave, I am disgusting for what I did. You’re sick, you’re all fucking sick for even talking to me. Why must you continue to remind me of what I’ve done? I’m a bad man and I need help.”

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“I’ve ruined everything. My fate is deserved. I am truly a wicked man, evil incarnate.”

So humble. Such an inspiration.

This bold new finding, that could affect retro gamers everywhere, occurred when ordinary avenues, such as internet porn, were completely unavailable. In a moment of desperation, Phillips turned to his cabinet of video games where the 20 year old Playstation game sat.

“It was just a one time thing, my wife was out of town. I never do this. I never touch myself. I’m an honest man. I go to church.”

“She’s just pixels and software. Nothing more and nothing less. She doesn’t and never will exist, and yet we demand to sexualize her?”, he continued to sob, “Why must you all find solace in my discovery? I have a wife and a well paying job, I should have never done this. Oh my God, I should have never done this.”

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“I didn’t even know there was a new one where she looks like a real lady!” screamed Phillips, to no one in particular.

The gaming community is buzzing with Phillips accomplishment. It’s been speculated for years that it is still possible to jerk off to those 32-bit triangle boobs we remember from our childhood, but Phillips has made this a reality.

“I have kids, they can’t find out about this. I don’t want this to be my legacy as a man, I don’t want this to follow my children through their lives.” Phillips added.

The news only gets better. Square Enix has announced they will be using Phillips’ story to lead a nationwide campaign for Shadow of the Tomb Raider slated to be released sometime in 2018.

“Jesus Christ, I just want my family to respect me. I don’t know if that’s possible anymore”

Great job, Matt!

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